It's been a while, hasn't it? Since I've posted, I mean. That's not to say that I haven't been recording things here and there; just been hand writing some stuff to spare my computer and anyone unfortunate enough to stumble onto the tail end of this blog. That being said, I've also been avoiding some things, because reasons. And now I have to do something with all those things that I didn't want to admit, but can no longer deny. I'm posting it here, possible consequences be damned, because I know for a fact my handwriting won't hold up through all of this emotional vomit and internal screaming put into words.
Where even to begin? I suppose the most logical place would be... Sometime about two years ago, I think? Perhaps three, now. The days, years even, have been blurring into an indiscernable jumble of events. I don't think the exact time elapsed really matters, though. Things have just gone on for too long, and that's on me.
It always comes back to strength, in one way or another. I force myself to be stronger than I really am, or I try to be strong when I shouldn't, or I mistake a myriad of other emotions for strength. I'm not sure I even know what strength is at this point. Can you even quantify something like that? I guess that's part of my problem. I ask too many questions that don't have answers, or are dependent on too many variables to be reliable.
I've been surviving, barely. But I don't feel strong. It's dogged, in a way. I'm only here because I promised not to not be here. It's really the only thing that keeps me clawing my way from one day to the next. One promise that I absolutely refuse to break. Because that's all I have. The person I made the promise to doesn't even talk to me anymore; wouldn't know if I broke that promise... Probably doesn't even remember that I gave my word to begin with. But I remember. I remember that I was feeling somewhat like I do now, and so a friend begged me to promise that no matter how hard things got, I would never try to escape by taking my own life. And I did. I promised.
I almost regret it.
But a promise is a promise, and even more so for me. I... don't have a lot of value as a human being. I'm not especially kind, I'm not particularly gifted in any notable way, and I have a habit of being distrustful and skittish, cutting away or turning my back on aspects of myself that I deem to be weaknesses. I'm cold, I suppose. But the one thing I do have, is that I don't lightly go back on my promises. I can't break this promise. I won't do it. I made the promise, and the only thing that pushes me to even consider breaking it is despair... Which is temporary. I know it's temporary. Sometimes it just sinks it's jaws in a little deeper, holds on a little longer. I know that if I just keep moving, even if it's at this miserable, dogged pace, I'll shake myself free of it eventually.
This survival isn't strength, though. I've never felt weaker. More vulnerable. More Frightened.
I keep trying to cut away and shut out certain emotions or memories... Lines of thought. Trying to patch the holes in my armor, reinforce the walls I've built around my heart. The same heart that I froze over, cut out, chained up and buried in rapid succession. Funny, then, how I still don't feel safe. Still not strong. I think I knew better, deep down, even as I made those decisions. It's easy to ignore things and run away. It's harder to let them in, to accept them, and grow as a person. Change is hard. Hurting is hard. And I just wasn't sure I could handle either of those things emotionally. I was scared. I still am. I figured that the only thing left for me was pain, and I would rather inflict it on myself than give someone else the pleasure. They can make the initial wounds, sure, but if they must be widened, if salt must be rubbed in them, then I will do that on me own. I won't give someone else the opportunity to break me.
If only I could learn to bend.
Why can I only be rigid, huddled behind my invisible walls, or else shattered entirely the moment I step out from behind them? Why is it so hard to accept change? I can't really say. I thought I had changed. But in the end I got hurt, then scared, and finally I scurried back behind my walls. But I still hurt, and I was still scared... So I put up more walls. I distanced myself from everyone. Everyone. No one knows how I'm doing or feeling anymore, because I don't trust anyone. I can't. I'm to afraid. Trust leads to betrayal. It's already happened. Too many times, and with people I never should have had to worry about hurting me in that way. But they did, and now I'm here. My emotional state is a labyrinth that even I don't know how to navigate. I can't answer as to how I feel. Just that it's not good. I don't know. I've been running from myself, isolating parts of my personality, and killing them off when they speak to much. I have a hard time laughing. My wit is all but gone, only surfacing for brief moments of cynicism or a barb-tongued deflection when someone pokes around where they shouldn't.
These walls aren't symbolic of strength. They represent a cage. A cage that I chose... Why would I choose this?
My distrust has had me running from everything, hiding myself away behind feigned smiles and offhanded, deliberately evasive replies. "How have you been?" The ask. "Just fine," I reply, because what else can I possibly say? I don't want to elaborate more than that, though the thought of weaving a happy tale has tempted me a few times... But I'd rather not lie more than absolutely necessary. Not only do I find it distasteful, but lies tend to unravel themselves the longer you permit their existence. On the other side of the coin, I have no intentions of letting anyone know what currents are raging beneath my relatively calm surface. Who'd want to sit through all that? No one. And besides, wouldn't that just give them more points to attack when they're done with me? I suppose that's the feeling I've come to settle on lately. That I am expendable. Worthless. The words don't even sting anymore. Mostly because I can't bring myself to deny it. I have no proof otherwise, so what's the point?
Even so, I am lonely.
I chose solitude and isolation. I'm afraid of being hurt, being tossed aside... And being alone. I hate being alone. My thoughts don't make good company. I wish more than anything I had someone to talk to. And the pathetic thing is that I did have people to talk to. But I pushed them all away. I don't talk to them. I'm too afraid. Now it's just me, huddled in one dark, lonely corner of my mind, while a storm of negative thoughts and emotions sweeps through the rest of it. I can almost hear the winds wailing through the labyrinthine walls, the pound of rain against imaginary windows that I boarded up all on my own. Oddly poetic, how a storm that no one can see can still cause such destruction. Poetic... And pitiable. How did I let it come to this?
My choices weren't strength. They were cowardice.
Even so, some feeble defiance screams that it wasn't only my fault. Yes, I made my choices, but I didn't make them randomly. There were reasons. I just wanted to stop getting hurt every time I tried to reach out. I just wanted real answers, definitive truths. And I don't think that's so wrong. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel some resentment about the whole thing now. I tried my absolute best. I really, really did. But my only reward was silence. Over and over and over again. No one should ever have to apologize for the way they feel. And yet, there I was, doing just that and pretending it was fine. It was never fine. Of course it wasn't. It hurt. And that pain is now a tightly coiled spring of resentment, because damn it all that isn't right. I am a coward. I run away when I think I might get hurt. But you know what? At least I don't go around making people feel like their feelings aren't worth shit and shouldn't be expressed. If you feel a certain way, say it, because a feeling's not a choice. It's a truth. And it is valid, no matter what light it's viewed in. You have a right to feel the way you do at any given moment, and that feeling can only be right because it is real. No one can look down on that. Not ever. The choices you make, based on your feelings? Those are fair game. But if you feel a certain way, then that's fine. And you're free to say it. Sometimes you need to say it. And sometimes you need to know that your feelings were at least heard.
Perhaps I was being unreasonable.
Maybe acknowledgement was too much to ask. I don't know. I can't speak for anyone but myself. But I do know that letting it stretch on and on for that length of time was unfair. I'd even go so far as to call it cruel. And I wasn't strong enough to take that kind of cruelty, I guess. Maybe strength never had anything to do with it to begin with. Maybe strength was never necessary and I've been getting it wrong this whole time. Maybe... I hate that word so much right now. I wish I had answers. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what to feel. But I don't have any of those answers, and there's no one around to help me search for them. I'm alone, because I chose to be. I chose my fear, but not because I thought I could conquer it. It was just another type of pain. One that I thought I could control. But I can't.
I always come back to this same contradiction.
I don't want to be alone. But I am terrified to reach out to people. I don't remember how to trust. What does being friendly even mean? How do I do that again? I don't know that I've retained those skills. I thought I wouldn't need them anymore. Haha, wrong again. Always wrong. The feelings of worthlessness don't help either. Who would want to waste their time on me when I so clearly don't bring anything to the table. Why bother trying to help someone you don't know, especially when there's no guarantee of any kind of payoff? What purpose do I serve? What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be looking? Where do I go? How do I get there? Is it worth it? Can I even make it without falling back into this fortress I've built around myself? There has to be more than this. I caught a glimpse of it once or twice. Then it was gone. Was I chasing the wrong things? What should I have done differently? Does that even matter now? Does any of this actually matter? More questions. And not a single answer. The only answer I have is that I can't stay here, like this. I have to unpack all this garbage I've been carrying around and leave it behind. Which also means that I'm going to have to move. In one direction or another. I'm going to have to choose a path and walk along it, and hope that it doesn't lead back to this lonely corner of my mind, with the bitter wind and rain and boarded up windows. I'm going to have to take a risk, because if I don't, I might not be able to keep my promise after all. I can't let that happen. So I'm going to try.
I can't take it slow. I'll lose my nerve. I'm going to have to jump with both feet and hope that it's a soft landing at the bottom of whatever pit I launch myself into, and that I don't wind up shattering beyond repair. Wonder where I'll end up. Who knows? Maybe the wind'll take me, now I've dropped all this baggage, and whisk me off somewhere unexpected.
... I'm still running, aren't I? Some habits just don't die. It's okay, I think. Running is better than hiding away in one spot forever, right? Maybe if I run far enough I'll run into something good. Maybe not. I still hate that word. Even so, I can't help but wonder if anything will pursue.
-Lynx
Monday, September 10, 2018
Saturday, August 12, 2017
The Pen and The Sword
I shouldn't have done it, but I felt I had to. In an unassuming file folder at the bottom of a pile of binders and notebooks, tucked away in a cubby of my chest of drawers. It's not as well labeled as the other folders I have stored there. There's only a name. In that file is a manila envelope containing all of the letters I was fortunate enough to receive from the first person I trusted entirely. There was always one letter missing though, I remembered as much when I was collecting the loose papers and compiling the envelope. I wondered if I hadn't thrown that last letter away in grief.
I didn't. I found it whilst going through a bin about a week ago. Still in its original envelope. I knew what it was the second I saw the handwriting. I told myself not to read it at the time as I still had things to do, closed the bin and stored it in my room. I suppose I could have just tossed it in the file with the rest, I didn't have to read it, but for some reason... Of course I ended up reading it. This letter is the missing link. The final piece anyone would need to solve the riddles I've wrapped myself in, the answer to my contradiction. This letter is clarity. It is grief, and it is sadness and it is the absolute and irreparable collapse of trust.
This letter is the reason I shut down, why I locked myself away and swore never to trust anyone again. Not with anything. This letter is what stemmed the belief that the world around me would only see me as expendable; a means to an end and nothing more. When it was no longer convenient, when I had reached a point when I was no longer useful, I would without fail, be cut free. This is what I believed.
I was furious, more with myself than anything. I trusted, and that was my choice. It ended poorly. Was I not good enough as a friend? Had I made some mistake that made me seem like I was incapable of understanding and compassion? I wished, and still do, that they would have just talked to me. They didn't have to run.
And now, all these years later, here I am. Doing the same exact thing. Fear rules me. I cannot bring myself to trust, despite desperately wanting to. I edge closer, open my mouth to speak honestly, then bite my tongue and shake my head, scampering back into the dark to peer out with cautious eyes. I isolate myself out of a need to feel safe, and that self-imposed loneliness is more bitter than I could ever hope to describe.
I don't want to be lonely.
But I don't want to trust.
I pull in two opposite directions without compromise. As such, I will always backpedal.
I will reach out slowly, growing closer to one or two people who can make me forget why I hide, only to speak too openly and frighten myself into running away. I might try to stand my ground, as I did today, but reading that letter re-solidified my resolve. I cannot trust people. That part of me has been crushed and trampled, and at every point that I've tried to trust, that same trust has been stamped out swiftly and without so much as a word.
I remember. This feeling, this dark mix of fear and sadness: This is my riddle. And this letter is the key. The killing blow was struck not with a sword, but rather a pen. I was utterly and completely shattered, by someone I had honestly believed would never harm me in such a cruel way. I can't afford to keep forgetting this; doing so has only compounded more trouble. Some people are better off when they keep everything at an arm's length.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Letter to Me
Dearest Lynx,
You are too stubborn for your own good. You could stand to swallow your pride more than once every twenty-three years, as well. I know you hate showing weakness and the prospect of being dependent on anyone or anything makes you visibly cringe (almost as much as you do every time that damned ice cream truck rolls by), but woman... You're being a child. Sometimes it's cute-- the mental image of the cool facade you like to use so much crumbling with a proverbial stomping of the feet and crossing of the arms. Most times though, it's annoying. You know it (mostly because you're writing it, but admitting it too much makes it confusing). Anyway, circular speaking aside: Grow a backbone or something. Seriously. When did you become such a coward, huh? You never used to be afraid of speaking your mind because-- OH NOES-- it might offend someone. I seem to recall actually enjoying being painfully honest just to watch people squirm... Okay, maybe that's not something to be proud of, but honestly, you shouldn't be hiding and whimpering like this. You're such a chicken sometimes! And you can't even answer the simple question of "why." Well, you can, you have a snide, vague, deliberately evasive answer for just about everything, but that's not the point. Your answers suck. That's the point. They're unfounded. Actually, they've kinda already been refuted, so there. News flash sweetie (and really, this shouldn't be a news flash because this is one of your favorite snarky comments): You're smart, but you're not a mind reader. You do not know how every single other person you come into contact with feels. About you, or about anything. You only know what you've been told. Stop overcomplicating things and for shit's sake stop trying to find negative things in neutral or positive situations. I thought we were past that? I mean yeah, you've been screwed by people before. You have been called a pest, and you've certainly been stepped on (you little rug, you). You've been cast aside by a bunch of people who only bother to get in touch with you when they want something from you, and okay, I can see why that would make you stubborn and slightly standoffish.
But again, you don't know. Stop treating everyone like they're gonna bite you the first chance they get. Some might, but I think most won't. You can't judge everyone against one or two or even twenty bad experiences. You're the one who's so determined to leave the past in the past; why are you so keen to let it rule you now?
Oh, and another thing... Your reasonings and your actions? Yeah, you're being kind of an ass. Sure, nobody but you knows why you do (or don't do) what you do, and you could easily brush it off with a lie. You're good at that. But you can't lie to yourself, and you know the way you handle things makes you miserable, so knock it the fish off. Your reasons suck too, by the way. They're excuses because you're scared. Of things that have no solid basis in fact.
You're being petty. And dumb. If things bother you, say so. I'm sure things'd change if you did. But people can't change if they don't know what's bothering you. ... Not that you should demand people change for your convenience, it's more a request for... Ah, you know what I'm talking about; there's no good way to word it. The point I'm trying to make here is this: You can't really expect every person you meet to hurt or secretly disdain you because one or two people may have before... Even if it was more than one or two people, that beside the point. If you have questions, ask them. If you have qualms, assert yourself and see if you can't fix them. If these people are your friends as they claim to be, they'd probably prefer you do that than be stubborn and petty and miserable and CHICKEN. >.> And if not... Well then maybe it's time to find some better friends.
Isn't this nice, being all honest and stuff? (Yes, it's also disconcerting that you can only ever seem to make sense of yourself while addressing yourself as someone else... We need to work on your/our social skills...)
You are too stubborn for your own good. You could stand to swallow your pride more than once every twenty-three years, as well. I know you hate showing weakness and the prospect of being dependent on anyone or anything makes you visibly cringe (almost as much as you do every time that damned ice cream truck rolls by), but woman... You're being a child. Sometimes it's cute-- the mental image of the cool facade you like to use so much crumbling with a proverbial stomping of the feet and crossing of the arms. Most times though, it's annoying. You know it (mostly because you're writing it, but admitting it too much makes it confusing). Anyway, circular speaking aside: Grow a backbone or something. Seriously. When did you become such a coward, huh? You never used to be afraid of speaking your mind because-- OH NOES-- it might offend someone. I seem to recall actually enjoying being painfully honest just to watch people squirm... Okay, maybe that's not something to be proud of, but honestly, you shouldn't be hiding and whimpering like this. You're such a chicken sometimes! And you can't even answer the simple question of "why." Well, you can, you have a snide, vague, deliberately evasive answer for just about everything, but that's not the point. Your answers suck. That's the point. They're unfounded. Actually, they've kinda already been refuted, so there. News flash sweetie (and really, this shouldn't be a news flash because this is one of your favorite snarky comments): You're smart, but you're not a mind reader. You do not know how every single other person you come into contact with feels. About you, or about anything. You only know what you've been told. Stop overcomplicating things and for shit's sake stop trying to find negative things in neutral or positive situations. I thought we were past that? I mean yeah, you've been screwed by people before. You have been called a pest, and you've certainly been stepped on (you little rug, you). You've been cast aside by a bunch of people who only bother to get in touch with you when they want something from you, and okay, I can see why that would make you stubborn and slightly standoffish.
But again, you don't know. Stop treating everyone like they're gonna bite you the first chance they get. Some might, but I think most won't. You can't judge everyone against one or two or even twenty bad experiences. You're the one who's so determined to leave the past in the past; why are you so keen to let it rule you now?
Oh, and another thing... Your reasonings and your actions? Yeah, you're being kind of an ass. Sure, nobody but you knows why you do (or don't do) what you do, and you could easily brush it off with a lie. You're good at that. But you can't lie to yourself, and you know the way you handle things makes you miserable, so knock it the fish off. Your reasons suck too, by the way. They're excuses because you're scared. Of things that have no solid basis in fact.
You're being petty. And dumb. If things bother you, say so. I'm sure things'd change if you did. But people can't change if they don't know what's bothering you. ... Not that you should demand people change for your convenience, it's more a request for... Ah, you know what I'm talking about; there's no good way to word it. The point I'm trying to make here is this: You can't really expect every person you meet to hurt or secretly disdain you because one or two people may have before... Even if it was more than one or two people, that beside the point. If you have questions, ask them. If you have qualms, assert yourself and see if you can't fix them. If these people are your friends as they claim to be, they'd probably prefer you do that than be stubborn and petty and miserable and CHICKEN. >.> And if not... Well then maybe it's time to find some better friends.
Isn't this nice, being all honest and stuff? (Yes, it's also disconcerting that you can only ever seem to make sense of yourself while addressing yourself as someone else... We need to work on your/our social skills...)
Go find that courage you had before you decided you were afraid of offending the people that hurt you.
"This is the time for chasing my desires. What's in my heart is true. And if my dreams set everything on fire, then I would still belong to you." --Amaranthe "True"
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Sometimes
Sometimes I pull the blinds, turn the lights off and light a candle. I'm just too groggy to face the daylight.
Sometimes I put the mask back on. I take it right back off though. It's too heavy for me now.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to let my walls crumble. Then I remember, and close them up tight.
Sometimes I think I feel too much. I don't mind.
Sometimes I catch myself humming. I wonder if anyone can hear me. I hope I'm not tone-deaf.
Sometimes I fall asleep sitting up, with my knitting still in my hands. The sound of the breeze through the palm trees is soothing.
Sometimes I smile at myself in the mirror, just to make sure I still remember how. I do, but it's not great.
Sometimes I know what I'm doing.
Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I try to be sensible, but no one listens.
Sometimes I speak nonsense, and suddenly everyone's listening. And judging.
Sometimes I think I'm being myself. Then I realize I'm only mimicking someone else.
Sometimes I really am just myself. Most people ignore it and continue on like it's still the past.
Sometimes I feel like a child. Everything frightens me, and I just want to hide.
Sometimes I do hide. After a while, life doesn't seem so scary and I crawl out of my hiding place.
Sometimes I really want to laugh but can't find anything funny. I laugh anyway.
Sometimes I feel the weight of all my insecurities. I don't mean to be a pest.
Sometimes I don't mind that I'm as much of a child as I am inside. I wish more people could know it.
And sometimes, even if it does seem childish, I just really, really want to be held.
Right now, I want to offer the world a plate of warm, freshly baked cookies. I am happy.
Sometimes I put the mask back on. I take it right back off though. It's too heavy for me now.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to let my walls crumble. Then I remember, and close them up tight.
Sometimes I think I feel too much. I don't mind.
Sometimes I catch myself humming. I wonder if anyone can hear me. I hope I'm not tone-deaf.
Sometimes I fall asleep sitting up, with my knitting still in my hands. The sound of the breeze through the palm trees is soothing.
Sometimes I smile at myself in the mirror, just to make sure I still remember how. I do, but it's not great.
Sometimes I know what I'm doing.
Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I try to be sensible, but no one listens.
Sometimes I speak nonsense, and suddenly everyone's listening. And judging.
Sometimes I think I'm being myself. Then I realize I'm only mimicking someone else.
Sometimes I really am just myself. Most people ignore it and continue on like it's still the past.
Sometimes I feel like a child. Everything frightens me, and I just want to hide.
Sometimes I do hide. After a while, life doesn't seem so scary and I crawl out of my hiding place.
Sometimes I really want to laugh but can't find anything funny. I laugh anyway.
Sometimes I feel the weight of all my insecurities. I don't mean to be a pest.
Sometimes I don't mind that I'm as much of a child as I am inside. I wish more people could know it.
And sometimes, even if it does seem childish, I just really, really want to be held.
Right now, I want to offer the world a plate of warm, freshly baked cookies. I am happy.
Lynx
Monday, October 13, 2014
I'm Torn
On one hand, I'm so exhausted that I just want to be alone. I'm to tired to think about anything, let alone the habits of the people around me. I can't read minds at the best of times, let alone when I can almost keep my eyes open. I'm tired of trying to be "the leader" and initiate interaction. It's not my forte anyway, but now I feel like I'd just be a pest. What's more is I'm too tired to state that plainly. I don't have the energy for any kind of confrontation.
And then I just want to be allowed to lay down for a second and let someone else "be the leader." Let someone else start the conversations. Let someone else do the thinking. In that way, I don't want to be alone at all. I don't even know if I make sense right now, I'm so tired.
I've done basically nothing but sleep all day, and I feel, honestly, like I've been hit with something very heavy. The fibromyalgia is flaring up on me and kicking my ass. Everything's foggy, and I can almost make sense of my thoughts. This is the third time I've started this post, and I STILL don't know what I'm trying to say.
Two thoughts.
"Even when I win, I lose."
"Life is not a box of chocolates. Life is an endless game of whack-a-mole."
And then I just want to be allowed to lay down for a second and let someone else "be the leader." Let someone else start the conversations. Let someone else do the thinking. In that way, I don't want to be alone at all. I don't even know if I make sense right now, I'm so tired.
I've done basically nothing but sleep all day, and I feel, honestly, like I've been hit with something very heavy. The fibromyalgia is flaring up on me and kicking my ass. Everything's foggy, and I can almost make sense of my thoughts. This is the third time I've started this post, and I STILL don't know what I'm trying to say.
Two thoughts.
"Even when I win, I lose."
"Life is not a box of chocolates. Life is an endless game of whack-a-mole."
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
This Day
It wasn't a good one. Still isn't. I've made my choices, and I stand by them. But... All I can think of now is how many of my past choices have lead to the pain of others. I carry a lot of guilt. Maybe I deserve it, maybe I don't. But I carry it regardless. I've accepted it all; these things I was and am, at least in part, responsible for. I tell the truth when I say I've accepted it, but I lie when I say I've moved past it.
I haven't. I can't.
The more good things I remember about my father,the more I understand about the man he was and the man he became, the easier it is to forgive him. But forgiving myself? That is nearly impossible at this point. They say hindsight is 20/20, and they're certainly right. I have so much regret. I said so many awful things. I allowed myself to be blinded by my negative feelings and things spiraled out of control. He's gone now. And that's my fault. Yes, there was his failing health, and yes, he chose to stop taking his medications. But that was my fault too. If I'd been a better daughter, maybe he would've had something to hold on for. Maybe he would have fought. Maybe he'd still be here. How many people did I rob? How many good moments will never happen now, because of me? And what right do I have to move past it? I shouldn't. What I did, what I said...Who I was. It was all horrible. Selfish, and shortsighted. I was so afraid to be vulnerable, and that fear ended up destroying everything around me.
What happened to my mother is my fault as well. Directly. I should have watched her more carefully. I should have kept myself in better control. This time, I was vulnerable, and I let it show. And the vulnerability nearly destroyed my world further. It was sheer luck that my mother survived. It was my fault she was endangered in the first place. I'll probably never be able to forgive myself and move past that, either.
And now... Now she's wondering if she made the right decision to move. I don't know what to say, or what to do. Her depression is coming back, and coming back strongly.
I'd be a fool if I said that mine wasn't returning in some form as well. I'll never say it beyond here though. I can't. The people around me, what precious few I have, need me to be strong, not vulnerable. But I know I can't just not feel either; that doesn't work. I need to make a decision, and once again, I don't know what's right.
The guilt over what happened, and the indecision and fear over what could... It's enough to make me feel physically sick. I'm so tired lately. Everything's sore and achy, and I feel ill. I sleep for too long, but I don't rest. I get terrible headaches and my whole being just hurts. I want to just look away, even for a few moments, but I could never do that. I owe too many too much.
I'd hope for someone to lean on, but my burdens are too heavy. These things shouldn't be shared between people; it's dangerous. Besides that, I don't know how to rely on others, I don't know how to ask for help or even comfort. My guilt won't let me be comforted anyway. All of what I feel now is a direct product of my past actions. I don't deserve to be comforted. I have to handle whatever's on its way on my own. It's always been like that. It's the only way I know how to protect the people I care about.
So if I pull away for a time, if I put my walls back up and hide away... It's not because I don't care or don't want to spend time with my dear ones. It's the opposite. I hate doing it, but it's the only way I know how to protect them from what I feel. I don't want to drag anyone else into my troubles, I don't want anyone else to try to help bear my guilt. It's too much to put on people who don't deserve it.
I'll get through it. I always do. But I can't take anyone with me for fear of losing them along the way. I can face myself and my guilt, and I can get my mother back on the right path, but I'll have to do it alone. It's the only way I can be honest with myself. If there was someone else there, I'd never be able to take these walls down, and I'll end up exactly where I started all those years ago.
I'm ready. It'll be okay. I know what needs to be done, and I know I can do it. I won't let things fall apart a second time. No one's breaking. No one's dying. There won't be anything to be guilty for. It'll be okay.
"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
--Aeschylus
I haven't. I can't.
The more good things I remember about my father,the more I understand about the man he was and the man he became, the easier it is to forgive him. But forgiving myself? That is nearly impossible at this point. They say hindsight is 20/20, and they're certainly right. I have so much regret. I said so many awful things. I allowed myself to be blinded by my negative feelings and things spiraled out of control. He's gone now. And that's my fault. Yes, there was his failing health, and yes, he chose to stop taking his medications. But that was my fault too. If I'd been a better daughter, maybe he would've had something to hold on for. Maybe he would have fought. Maybe he'd still be here. How many people did I rob? How many good moments will never happen now, because of me? And what right do I have to move past it? I shouldn't. What I did, what I said...Who I was. It was all horrible. Selfish, and shortsighted. I was so afraid to be vulnerable, and that fear ended up destroying everything around me.
What happened to my mother is my fault as well. Directly. I should have watched her more carefully. I should have kept myself in better control. This time, I was vulnerable, and I let it show. And the vulnerability nearly destroyed my world further. It was sheer luck that my mother survived. It was my fault she was endangered in the first place. I'll probably never be able to forgive myself and move past that, either.
And now... Now she's wondering if she made the right decision to move. I don't know what to say, or what to do. Her depression is coming back, and coming back strongly.
I'd be a fool if I said that mine wasn't returning in some form as well. I'll never say it beyond here though. I can't. The people around me, what precious few I have, need me to be strong, not vulnerable. But I know I can't just not feel either; that doesn't work. I need to make a decision, and once again, I don't know what's right.
The guilt over what happened, and the indecision and fear over what could... It's enough to make me feel physically sick. I'm so tired lately. Everything's sore and achy, and I feel ill. I sleep for too long, but I don't rest. I get terrible headaches and my whole being just hurts. I want to just look away, even for a few moments, but I could never do that. I owe too many too much.
I'd hope for someone to lean on, but my burdens are too heavy. These things shouldn't be shared between people; it's dangerous. Besides that, I don't know how to rely on others, I don't know how to ask for help or even comfort. My guilt won't let me be comforted anyway. All of what I feel now is a direct product of my past actions. I don't deserve to be comforted. I have to handle whatever's on its way on my own. It's always been like that. It's the only way I know how to protect the people I care about.
So if I pull away for a time, if I put my walls back up and hide away... It's not because I don't care or don't want to spend time with my dear ones. It's the opposite. I hate doing it, but it's the only way I know how to protect them from what I feel. I don't want to drag anyone else into my troubles, I don't want anyone else to try to help bear my guilt. It's too much to put on people who don't deserve it.
I'll get through it. I always do. But I can't take anyone with me for fear of losing them along the way. I can face myself and my guilt, and I can get my mother back on the right path, but I'll have to do it alone. It's the only way I can be honest with myself. If there was someone else there, I'd never be able to take these walls down, and I'll end up exactly where I started all those years ago.
I'm ready. It'll be okay. I know what needs to be done, and I know I can do it. I won't let things fall apart a second time. No one's breaking. No one's dying. There won't be anything to be guilty for. It'll be okay.
"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
--Aeschylus
Lynx
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Cynicism, Cowardice, and the Three Step Solution to My Problem
“Life is such unutterable hell, solely because it is sometimes beautiful. If we could only be miserable all the time, if there could be no such things as love or beauty or faith or hope, if I could be absolutely certain that my love would never be returned: how much more simple life would be. One could plod through the Siberian salt mines of existence without being bothered about happiness.”
― T.H. White, Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Stories That Scared Even Me
Precisely. Life would be so much easier, so much simpler, if I just didn't have to worry about these things. But, you know what? Life's not easy. Life's not simple. No matter how much I wish I didn't have to feel or see the beautiful things, no matter how much I'd rather just duck my head and stick to the things I know I can accomplish... I wake up in the morning, and Life reminds me, "Hey. You're human. You're gonna feel. You're gonna fear. Because you're human. And you're alive. So what're you gonna do about it?"
Honestly, I don't know. I don't have the slightest idea, because there's no guide book, no manual for this. No one's ever written a book on "how to live the right way" or "how to feel properly"... Because everyone's different.. That, or it's just never been done. The prideful part of me always screams at me to buck up and be brave. Be true. This part of me is reckless, clamoring to just go for it, just take the risk and see what happens. Another part of me suggests caution. Caution then mutates into hesitation, which gives way to doubt and the cycle continues. Doubt and hesitate, doubt and hesitate.
A third part of me just laughs and says, "Lynx. You're screwed. Run for it."
Sometimes I think the coward in me is the smartest side of myself. And also the bravest. Sometimes, I feel like an act of cowardice, running away, takes more grit and bravery than sticking around to see what happens. Sometimes it's easier to say, "Heeey, I'm on a roll, let's bet again and maybe I'll win," than it is to say, "Heey, I'm on a roll, but momentum only lasts so long." Er. Do I have that backwards? Because a lot of people would say, "Nothing wagered, nothing gained." I think they forget the other side of that coin: "Too much wagered, too much lost."
There are, I suppose, two different kinds of bravery. The first is the kind that people typically recognize; the kind that sticks it out and takes the risk and doesn't back down. The second is the quiet kind. This bravery stays quiet and walks away, having decided that it's better to not know at all than to suffer. I don't know which one is smarter. Or if they're both moronic. I don't know a lot of things. But I do know that I'm terrified.
If I jump, if I decide to let go and fall... How hard will I hit if there's nothing there to catch me?
If I run, if I say "fucking screw it"... How much time will I waste contemplating the phrase "what if"?
And if I do nothing... How long until I lose the rest of my sanity, do something stupid, and end up with less than I started with?
I know me. I'm not confident with much. I'm really not confident with feelings. I can sort out other people no problem, but me... My brain and my heart are too interconnected in this jumbled mess for me to even begin to make sense of it all. It's all tangled together in this giant, messy knot.
So what do I do? I think. I think hard. What am I wishing for? Is it realistic?
That always gets me. Is it realistic? Well I don't bloody know, do I? If I did, there wouldn't be a problem, because if it was realistic, I'd have gone for it already; and if it wasn't, well that'd be the end of it!
And then I have an "Aha!" moment. Transference. Displacement. Mental mutation. That last one sounds a bit creepy, but it's also the best description of the three. This is my Three Step Solution to Heartsickness Which May or May Not Be Just Another Form of Running Like Hell.
Step One: Admit it.
Check.
Step Two: Express it.
Twelve line poem? Check.
Step Three: Turn it into something else.
This one takes time and diligence, and is also where the "running like hell" bit comes in. The last person I loved, I still love. But not in that way. Practice lying to yourself in the mirror and remember to smile (smiling makes it hurt less). Be decisive. Whenever the thought, "but what if" enters your mind, snuff it out. Say, "No. This is how it is."
Keep. Your. Distance. It's hard to not like people when they're always charming you, so make yourself tougher to charm.
.... I just came to the awkward realization that I never take my own advice, especially when it sucks. What kind of sick masochist is going to tolerate a giant "WHAT IF" hanging over their head for an indefinite amount of time? And if, as it so often goes, this person is a friend and you distance yourself from them... What does that say of you, where the friendship is concerned?
THE REAL STEP THREE: ??? I don't bloody know. Choose something, and stand by your decision.
I have written all of this and am no closer to an answer than I was an hour ago. I may have even just confused myself more.
Haha. Only me.
I have become an expert in talking myself in circles.
― T.H. White, Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Stories That Scared Even Me
Precisely. Life would be so much easier, so much simpler, if I just didn't have to worry about these things. But, you know what? Life's not easy. Life's not simple. No matter how much I wish I didn't have to feel or see the beautiful things, no matter how much I'd rather just duck my head and stick to the things I know I can accomplish... I wake up in the morning, and Life reminds me, "Hey. You're human. You're gonna feel. You're gonna fear. Because you're human. And you're alive. So what're you gonna do about it?"
Honestly, I don't know. I don't have the slightest idea, because there's no guide book, no manual for this. No one's ever written a book on "how to live the right way" or "how to feel properly"... Because everyone's different.. That, or it's just never been done. The prideful part of me always screams at me to buck up and be brave. Be true. This part of me is reckless, clamoring to just go for it, just take the risk and see what happens. Another part of me suggests caution. Caution then mutates into hesitation, which gives way to doubt and the cycle continues. Doubt and hesitate, doubt and hesitate.
A third part of me just laughs and says, "Lynx. You're screwed. Run for it."
Sometimes I think the coward in me is the smartest side of myself. And also the bravest. Sometimes, I feel like an act of cowardice, running away, takes more grit and bravery than sticking around to see what happens. Sometimes it's easier to say, "Heeey, I'm on a roll, let's bet again and maybe I'll win," than it is to say, "Heey, I'm on a roll, but momentum only lasts so long." Er. Do I have that backwards? Because a lot of people would say, "Nothing wagered, nothing gained." I think they forget the other side of that coin: "Too much wagered, too much lost."
There are, I suppose, two different kinds of bravery. The first is the kind that people typically recognize; the kind that sticks it out and takes the risk and doesn't back down. The second is the quiet kind. This bravery stays quiet and walks away, having decided that it's better to not know at all than to suffer. I don't know which one is smarter. Or if they're both moronic. I don't know a lot of things. But I do know that I'm terrified.
If I jump, if I decide to let go and fall... How hard will I hit if there's nothing there to catch me?
If I run, if I say "fucking screw it"... How much time will I waste contemplating the phrase "what if"?
And if I do nothing... How long until I lose the rest of my sanity, do something stupid, and end up with less than I started with?
I know me. I'm not confident with much. I'm really not confident with feelings. I can sort out other people no problem, but me... My brain and my heart are too interconnected in this jumbled mess for me to even begin to make sense of it all. It's all tangled together in this giant, messy knot.
So what do I do? I think. I think hard. What am I wishing for? Is it realistic?
That always gets me. Is it realistic? Well I don't bloody know, do I? If I did, there wouldn't be a problem, because if it was realistic, I'd have gone for it already; and if it wasn't, well that'd be the end of it!
And then I have an "Aha!" moment. Transference. Displacement. Mental mutation. That last one sounds a bit creepy, but it's also the best description of the three. This is my Three Step Solution to Heartsickness Which May or May Not Be Just Another Form of Running Like Hell.
Step One: Admit it.
Check.
Step Two: Express it.
Twelve line poem? Check.
Step Three: Turn it into something else.
This one takes time and diligence, and is also where the "running like hell" bit comes in. The last person I loved, I still love. But not in that way. Practice lying to yourself in the mirror and remember to smile (smiling makes it hurt less). Be decisive. Whenever the thought, "but what if" enters your mind, snuff it out. Say, "No. This is how it is."
Keep. Your. Distance. It's hard to not like people when they're always charming you, so make yourself tougher to charm.
.... I just came to the awkward realization that I never take my own advice, especially when it sucks. What kind of sick masochist is going to tolerate a giant "WHAT IF" hanging over their head for an indefinite amount of time? And if, as it so often goes, this person is a friend and you distance yourself from them... What does that say of you, where the friendship is concerned?
THE REAL STEP THREE: ??? I don't bloody know. Choose something, and stand by your decision.
I have written all of this and am no closer to an answer than I was an hour ago. I may have even just confused myself more.
Haha. Only me.
I have become an expert in talking myself in circles.
Cheers,
Lynx
Sunday, September 21, 2014
An Unpleasant Case of Deja-Vu
That probably looks really grim, considering the last post. But things are actually alright here. Anyway. On the first of July, two years ago, I wrote:
"Dear Brain: Shut up. Or think about something else. Your nagging over the past three days has become annoying to the point where I'm considering a lobotomy via crochet hook.
Dear Heart: Stop agreeing with the brain. You two are supposed to always be conflicting, and it's unsettling when you agree. Also, stop trying to make your way onto my sleeve; you don't belong there.
Dear Subconscious: No. Just no.
Dear Cupid: STOP SHOOTING ME, YOU LITTLE PEST! I get it, okay? The issue has been dealt with so go pick on someone else!
*grumble* My mind needs an off switch."
A few days ago I came to a horrifying realization: Here we are again, with the same thoughts for the same reason. The person is different though, which I'm grateful for because, damn it's been forever. But still. Gimme a break. Stuck writing poetry about this nonsense, my fingers are slipping up typing the most irritating and embarrassing Freudian slips... *headdesk* The issue has not been dealt with though, nor do I think it's going to be. I remember what happened the last time, and I'm really not willing to go through that a second time when I already know the outcome. Just wastes time.
Hopefully what worked before will work again and life will return to some semblance of normal. After all, if you lie to yourself enough, you might end up believing it. Bergen Evans, you genius you, lying really IS an indispensable part of making life tolerable. For now though, share my... Whatever this is. Frustration? Horror? Absolute shock and dismay?
The entire point of loving everyone was to make it so I wouldn't end up loving anyone. Not that way, at least. Jeez, brain, get with the program.
Just How Long? (I Lie to You)
Easy breathing and a steady heart beat
Soft thoughts; a gentle smile that you can't see
Times like this, when I'm raw and real and weak
I thank Heaven that you're blind to me
I don't want to permit this
But I can't push back what I know
So here I stay, with my head in the clouds
And my heart so far below
What I feel, what I fight
The truth stares back in frightened eyes
I pause and wonder, just how long have I been lying to you?
And for just how long will I continue to?
Shoot me now, before this worsens into something more than a twelve-line poem.
"Dear Brain: Shut up. Or think about something else. Your nagging over the past three days has become annoying to the point where I'm considering a lobotomy via crochet hook.
Dear Heart: Stop agreeing with the brain. You two are supposed to always be conflicting, and it's unsettling when you agree. Also, stop trying to make your way onto my sleeve; you don't belong there.
Dear Subconscious: No. Just no.
Dear Cupid: STOP SHOOTING ME, YOU LITTLE PEST! I get it, okay? The issue has been dealt with so go pick on someone else!
*grumble* My mind needs an off switch."
A few days ago I came to a horrifying realization: Here we are again, with the same thoughts for the same reason. The person is different though, which I'm grateful for because, damn it's been forever. But still. Gimme a break. Stuck writing poetry about this nonsense, my fingers are slipping up typing the most irritating and embarrassing Freudian slips... *headdesk* The issue has not been dealt with though, nor do I think it's going to be. I remember what happened the last time, and I'm really not willing to go through that a second time when I already know the outcome. Just wastes time.
Hopefully what worked before will work again and life will return to some semblance of normal. After all, if you lie to yourself enough, you might end up believing it. Bergen Evans, you genius you, lying really IS an indispensable part of making life tolerable. For now though, share my... Whatever this is. Frustration? Horror? Absolute shock and dismay?
The entire point of loving everyone was to make it so I wouldn't end up loving anyone. Not that way, at least. Jeez, brain, get with the program.
Just How Long? (I Lie to You)
Easy breathing and a steady heart beat
Soft thoughts; a gentle smile that you can't see
Times like this, when I'm raw and real and weak
I thank Heaven that you're blind to me
I don't want to permit this
But I can't push back what I know
So here I stay, with my head in the clouds
And my heart so far below
What I feel, what I fight
The truth stares back in frightened eyes
I pause and wonder, just how long have I been lying to you?
And for just how long will I continue to?
Shoot me now, before this worsens into something more than a twelve-line poem.
Lynx
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Heavy
It's the only word I can think of to describe how things feel right now. It's not that things are chaotic right now; quite the opposite. Things seem calm. But it feels charged, like there's tension just below the surface. It makes me nervous. I don't know if I'm just being hypersensitive and expecting things to go downhill because that's how it always happens, or if it's something actually happening. There's pressure here; I know it. But I don't know why or when or where. It's calm for now, but it feels like the calm before the storm. I want to believe that it's just my cynicism, but... My cynicism is usually right.
I'm nervous. Fidgety. Anxious in a way that I can't explain.
Two nights ago, I started having flashbacks again. Of 2010. I don't understand why. Is it some sort of freak premonition, or just my subconscious playing cruel games with me? I know things aren't going perfectly here, but... It's nothing that can't be worked around. Mom seems happy, but there again... She did before, too. I really don't want to believe that she would do something like that again, she DID promise, after all.
But promises are easy to break.
I hope I'm just being paranoid. But until this tension clears, I don't think I'll be able to relax. Everything feels so tense, but maybe it's me. No matter. From here on, I watch that woman like a hawk. I don't repeat mistakes.
I'm nervous. Fidgety. Anxious in a way that I can't explain.
Two nights ago, I started having flashbacks again. Of 2010. I don't understand why. Is it some sort of freak premonition, or just my subconscious playing cruel games with me? I know things aren't going perfectly here, but... It's nothing that can't be worked around. Mom seems happy, but there again... She did before, too. I really don't want to believe that she would do something like that again, she DID promise, after all.
But promises are easy to break.
I hope I'm just being paranoid. But until this tension clears, I don't think I'll be able to relax. Everything feels so tense, but maybe it's me. No matter. From here on, I watch that woman like a hawk. I don't repeat mistakes.
Ciao,
Lynx
"They say wisdom comes with time. That's not quite true. Wisdom comes with experience. Time and experience often go hand-in-hand, but not always. I haven't had much time, not really, but I've seen and experienced much. Wisdom is learned, not bestowed on you with silver hair." -- Your's Truly
Saturday, August 23, 2014
1606 Marathon
That's home now.
Okay, so it has been for almost a week now. Our... Everything, really, is still in boxes, but we're getting through it day by day. At least we're not paying for the house and its utilities, plus the rent on the apartment AND the rent on the storage unit. That really adds up, just saying.
Other than that... Not a whole lot has happened.
I may or may not have ranted my fears about the Envision Global Science Forum... Actually, I'm not sure I ever even mentioned it. Basic rundown: one of the most terrifying yet rewarding experiences of my life to date. Flew out to Washington, D.C. and caught a cab to the Marriot (The biggest hotel in D.C... Thanks, Bellhop, for making me feel even more uncomfortable than I already did.)... Was directed to the dinner hall/ ballroom THING (I am so unaccustomed to fancy things...) for dinner and the welcome speech. I have never felt so out of place. But, I put on the bravest face I could and did my best to make friends. Somehow ended up being the first official speaker of the forum to introduce on of our presenters... I'm still not sure how that happened. And so, weird things kept happening. Made some good friends that later became my group for our project collaborative... Also became said collaborative leader. I'm not sure how THAT happened, either.
Long story short, I actually had a really good time, and contrary to popular belief, was able to make some wonderful friends from all over the world. I'd do it again in a heartbeat... Actually, let me rephrase that. I'd do it again if I had the funds. ^.^ I came back a completely different person, with tons more confidence than I've ever had before. So all good there.
Usually, this is where I'd add the downer section of the post and complain about all the things that aren't that great right now, especially my mother. But... Nah.
So, anyway, I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to the DMV to get my state ID and make this whole thing official. Yay. Lines. Haha.
Okay, so it has been for almost a week now. Our... Everything, really, is still in boxes, but we're getting through it day by day. At least we're not paying for the house and its utilities, plus the rent on the apartment AND the rent on the storage unit. That really adds up, just saying.
Other than that... Not a whole lot has happened.
I may or may not have ranted my fears about the Envision Global Science Forum... Actually, I'm not sure I ever even mentioned it. Basic rundown: one of the most terrifying yet rewarding experiences of my life to date. Flew out to Washington, D.C. and caught a cab to the Marriot (The biggest hotel in D.C... Thanks, Bellhop, for making me feel even more uncomfortable than I already did.)... Was directed to the dinner hall/ ballroom THING (I am so unaccustomed to fancy things...) for dinner and the welcome speech. I have never felt so out of place. But, I put on the bravest face I could and did my best to make friends. Somehow ended up being the first official speaker of the forum to introduce on of our presenters... I'm still not sure how that happened. And so, weird things kept happening. Made some good friends that later became my group for our project collaborative... Also became said collaborative leader. I'm not sure how THAT happened, either.
Long story short, I actually had a really good time, and contrary to popular belief, was able to make some wonderful friends from all over the world. I'd do it again in a heartbeat... Actually, let me rephrase that. I'd do it again if I had the funds. ^.^ I came back a completely different person, with tons more confidence than I've ever had before. So all good there.
Usually, this is where I'd add the downer section of the post and complain about all the things that aren't that great right now, especially my mother. But... Nah.
So, anyway, I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to the DMV to get my state ID and make this whole thing official. Yay. Lines. Haha.
Ciao,
Lynx
Thursday, March 6, 2014
3.6.2014
Because I really can't think of a title for this. ^.^ Hey all!
Stuff keeps happening, doesn't it? Our house is being sold! Yaaaay! Of course, that had its own little fiasco too, so I'll be glad when it's all said and done...
Never let a relative of the buyer do your home inspection... They will try to screw you. Fact.
Yep, we got an offer on our house and got allllllll the way to the home inspection... Then on the report the inspector wrote that the ceiling in the garage was falling down, we had no insulation, and there were no vents in our roof. Which is funny, because I think I'd notice if the ceiling was falling down, I WATCHED them put insulation in the walls when we put the siding up, and I can see two vents in our roof from my bedroom window... What it actually is is: The garage ceiling needs more drywall fastenings... IF you're going to store stuff up there. There's not 12 inches of insulation in the attic (Whoopee. There's no law saying there has to be either). And finally, this inspector is either blind, can't count, or is a total and utter dick. I hope he gets his. >.> So we rejected their post-inspection offer of 10k below the already 10k under asking price offer from before... That's a really messy sentence. Their original offer before the home inspection was about 10k below asking price... Then they wanted ANOTHER 10k off for imagined and embellished faults with the house. Yeah, no.
So then they came back with their original offer again, and I kind of wanted to tell them to shove it somewhere unpleasant... But I REALLY want to get out of here... So we accepted that. Now we just have to wait for their financing to (hopefully) go through and then we can close. Then all that's left is flying out to Vegas for a week, picking a house, buying it, and then moving all our shit... I mean, valuable possessions.
-.-;
Yeah, yeah, I know. There's still A LOT to do... But I'm just happy the rest of it doesn't involve dealing with a jerk-wad buyer and his slimy house inspector relative.
I'm also happy to be done with my political science class. That was... Awful. And completely useless. Seriously. I will never use ANY of what I was supposed to learn in that class. Promise. (Which is actually a good thing because, as you might have guessed from the previous sentence, I didn't actually learn anything...)
So now I'm happily in an English Comp class and I don't think I've ever been so glad to write a normal bloody paper. And speak English instead of politics. For all those who say that English is the messiest, most complicated language of the world... Try politics. It'll screw you up bad. <-- like my English was there. ^.^
I also started taking my health a bit more seriously and began working out consistently. I feel better. OH! I've been knitting a lot too. Of course, that's kind of normal for me, but it's nice to have a relaxing hobby that's so rewarding.
So yeah. Life is good. Crazy, but good.
Stuff keeps happening, doesn't it? Our house is being sold! Yaaaay! Of course, that had its own little fiasco too, so I'll be glad when it's all said and done...
Never let a relative of the buyer do your home inspection... They will try to screw you. Fact.
Yep, we got an offer on our house and got allllllll the way to the home inspection... Then on the report the inspector wrote that the ceiling in the garage was falling down, we had no insulation, and there were no vents in our roof. Which is funny, because I think I'd notice if the ceiling was falling down, I WATCHED them put insulation in the walls when we put the siding up, and I can see two vents in our roof from my bedroom window... What it actually is is: The garage ceiling needs more drywall fastenings... IF you're going to store stuff up there. There's not 12 inches of insulation in the attic (Whoopee. There's no law saying there has to be either). And finally, this inspector is either blind, can't count, or is a total and utter dick. I hope he gets his. >.> So we rejected their post-inspection offer of 10k below the already 10k under asking price offer from before... That's a really messy sentence. Their original offer before the home inspection was about 10k below asking price... Then they wanted ANOTHER 10k off for imagined and embellished faults with the house. Yeah, no.
So then they came back with their original offer again, and I kind of wanted to tell them to shove it somewhere unpleasant... But I REALLY want to get out of here... So we accepted that. Now we just have to wait for their financing to (hopefully) go through and then we can close. Then all that's left is flying out to Vegas for a week, picking a house, buying it, and then moving all our shit... I mean, valuable possessions.
-.-;
Yeah, yeah, I know. There's still A LOT to do... But I'm just happy the rest of it doesn't involve dealing with a jerk-wad buyer and his slimy house inspector relative.
I'm also happy to be done with my political science class. That was... Awful. And completely useless. Seriously. I will never use ANY of what I was supposed to learn in that class. Promise. (Which is actually a good thing because, as you might have guessed from the previous sentence, I didn't actually learn anything...)
So now I'm happily in an English Comp class and I don't think I've ever been so glad to write a normal bloody paper. And speak English instead of politics. For all those who say that English is the messiest, most complicated language of the world... Try politics. It'll screw you up bad. <-- like my English was there. ^.^
I also started taking my health a bit more seriously and began working out consistently. I feel better. OH! I've been knitting a lot too. Of course, that's kind of normal for me, but it's nice to have a relaxing hobby that's so rewarding.
So yeah. Life is good. Crazy, but good.
Ciao,
Lynx
"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
--Mitch Hedberg
P.S: Because I kept forgetting... But here's a photo of the blanket I knitted for Christmas.
The quality kinda sucks though...
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy 2014
Hey all!
Even though I have very few readers, I still feel the need and wish to say happy new year to every last one of them. So, happy new year!
2013 has been crazy. A lot of things didn't quite work out the way I had anticipated, and lots of plans either fell through or had to be drastically changed. C'est la vie. It happens. This year has taught me not to expect things to go exactly to plan, and to not get frustrated when one hits a snag. Good stuff, that.
I can't believe how fast this year has disappeared on us! Time just seemed to fly by, and I definitely had a hard time keeping up. Hopefully 2014 will slow down a little bit.
That's my New Year's Resolution, and my advice to you: Slow down and take a second to enjoy what you've got and what you've accomplished before plowing on to the next thing. Savor your "moments" because they only last for a moment, and then they're gone.
Happy New Year, everyone, and best wishes in love, luck, health and happiness to all of you in 2014!
Even though I have very few readers, I still feel the need and wish to say happy new year to every last one of them. So, happy new year!
2013 has been crazy. A lot of things didn't quite work out the way I had anticipated, and lots of plans either fell through or had to be drastically changed. C'est la vie. It happens. This year has taught me not to expect things to go exactly to plan, and to not get frustrated when one hits a snag. Good stuff, that.
I can't believe how fast this year has disappeared on us! Time just seemed to fly by, and I definitely had a hard time keeping up. Hopefully 2014 will slow down a little bit.
That's my New Year's Resolution, and my advice to you: Slow down and take a second to enjoy what you've got and what you've accomplished before plowing on to the next thing. Savor your "moments" because they only last for a moment, and then they're gone.
Happy New Year, everyone, and best wishes in love, luck, health and happiness to all of you in 2014!
Ciao,
Lynx
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
A Less-Than Merry Christmas
So. Mom's in the hospital now. Heavy-- seriously guys, like WTF-- vaginal bleeding. I think it has something to do with her prolapse.
So, now she's off to the hospital. Tch. I've been nagging her to make an appointment for months, but she never listens to me.
*sigh* Chances are I'll be spending Christmas alone. Doesn't matter. As long as she's safe and okay, I'll be fine too.
I'm soo exhausted. I really overextended myself today, trying to cover for her and do everything. Pretty sore too, I'll feel that tomorrow... Well, today, now, I guess.
This red wine doesn't have nearly enough alcohol in it. >.> I guess this is what I get for being thankful that 2013 was free of serious medical emergencies (I refuse to count anything that happened to me because I'll always be fine. I'm too stubborn to have things go otherwise). Now I get one at the very end. And on Christmas, no less.
...Screw you, Universe.
If nothing else, it will be a quiet night tonight.
Happy and safe holidays to all, and all the best for the new year.
So, now she's off to the hospital. Tch. I've been nagging her to make an appointment for months, but she never listens to me.
*sigh* Chances are I'll be spending Christmas alone. Doesn't matter. As long as she's safe and okay, I'll be fine too.
I'm soo exhausted. I really overextended myself today, trying to cover for her and do everything. Pretty sore too, I'll feel that tomorrow... Well, today, now, I guess.
This red wine doesn't have nearly enough alcohol in it. >.> I guess this is what I get for being thankful that 2013 was free of serious medical emergencies (I refuse to count anything that happened to me because I'll always be fine. I'm too stubborn to have things go otherwise). Now I get one at the very end. And on Christmas, no less.
...Screw you, Universe.
If nothing else, it will be a quiet night tonight.
Happy and safe holidays to all, and all the best for the new year.
Ciao,
Lynx
"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who
bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."
-- Lemony Snicket
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Uuuugh, REALLY?
Okay, so you know how I had that funeral to go to and I said there was another relative that wasn't too far behind? Well, he died yesterday. Funeral is in a week. I really, really hope this isn't a sign of what's to come in 2014. That. Would Suck. Seriously.
So yeah. December's been... Sub-par, I suppose. What with people dying and me trying to figure out college funding and whatnot. Yikes. Things are moving along way too fast for me; I'm having a hard time keeping up. I glanced at my time and date display and almost had a heart attack. It doesn't feel like only two weeks since I was dancing like an idiot while cleaning my living room and putting up our Christmas tree. That feels like frecking AGES ago. *pout*
Anywho, Lynx wants a shower and a cup of tea to accompany her knitting. She feels as if this blanket is growing, because this last edge is taking for-frecking-ever. So Lynx would like to finish that tonight... She should probably stop speaking/ typing in third person. It's weird.
So yeah. December's been... Sub-par, I suppose. What with people dying and me trying to figure out college funding and whatnot. Yikes. Things are moving along way too fast for me; I'm having a hard time keeping up. I glanced at my time and date display and almost had a heart attack. It doesn't feel like only two weeks since I was dancing like an idiot while cleaning my living room and putting up our Christmas tree. That feels like frecking AGES ago. *pout*
Anywho, Lynx wants a shower and a cup of tea to accompany her knitting. She feels as if this blanket is growing, because this last edge is taking for-frecking-ever. So Lynx would like to finish that tonight... She should probably stop speaking/ typing in third person. It's weird.
Ciao,
Lynx
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Once Upon A Time
I did a survey. It was a very long time ago, but I did post it on the previous blog, which I just went through a little while ago out of curiosity. So much has changed, I wonder if my answers have too?
Everybody has a main best friend. Who's yours? Hm. Probably Bear.
What are you listening to now? The Agonist: Panaphobia
What are your plans for tomorrow? A funeral, as depressing as that is.
In the past week, have you lost a friend? I don't think so. A relative though, yes. Sadly
Yelled at someone? Nope.
What did you do today?Ehm... Some knitting. And dishes. And stuff.
Do you like flowers? Love them.
Did you enjoy your day yesterday? Yes, I do believe I did. Days are gifts
Hate is a strong word, who do you hate? No one. Hate self-inflicted poison.
Do you drink a lot of water? Probably not nearly as much as I should
Who did you last lay in a bed/couch/recliner with? Do my cats count? Otherwise, it's been longer than I can remember.
Where did you get your last bruise/scratch from? The shower, I think
Have you ever thought you were gonna die? Hm. I suppose I have.
What kind of mood are you in today? Resigned, I guess.
What were you doing at 8 this morning? Sleeping. XD
How late did you stay up last nigh and why? Oh, God. It had to be after two in the morning. Bad, bad schedule
Do you miss anyone? Yeah, I do. A couple people, actually
Where did you get the top you're wearing? The Elephant House in Edinburgh, Scotland.
Ever been lied to be someone you thought would never lie to you? Of course I have.
What are you craving right now? You know, I actually can't think of anything. I am content. Do you want kids anytime soon? Gods, no. I am many things, but I doubt a mother is one of them.
Are you hiding something from someone close to you? Not that I can think of, no.
Is there something you want to tell someone, but can't? No, not currently.
Someone says to you now, "Let's go to a party and get trashed." You say:"No thank you; but take pictures."
Will you sleep alone tonight? Indeed. A single bed is a bit small for more than one, aye?
Any plans for next weekend? Eh. Probably cleaning and getting the house ready for Christmas Eve.
Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? Heaven's no.
What woke you up today? My alarm
Anything good happening tomorrow? A funeral. So yeah, no.
Would you buy $1000 shoes if they were the "perfect" pair for you? lol no. My pocket money is WELL below $1000. Sorry.
Are you more laid back, or a perfectionist? I am a laid back perfectionist.
Do you find it disgusting when a boy bends over or jumps and the top of his underwear can be seen? I think high school desensitized me; I have no comment.
When's the last time you deliberately skipped a class? Never. No reason, not worth it.
Last time you saw snow? Well, the ground IS currently covered in it, so... yeah. December.
Are you excited for next year? Kind of. I just hope people stay healthy. Me included. lol
What is worse, physical or emotional pain? Depends on the individual. I know I'd rather have a broken leg than a broken heart.
Can you play pool? Lol naw. Whatever "skills" I might've had are probably gone now.
Would you take someone back if they cheated on you? That would require me dating them to begin with, so irrelevant question.
Do you believe in the saying "What goes around comes around"? Indeed. Ah, Sweet Karma
Are you missing anyone or something? I suppose so... But didn't I answer that already?
Do you think you'll be married in 10 years? 10 years is a long time. I guess anything's possible, but I wouldn't count on it.
How fast does your mood change? Not too fast. I'm pretty consistent/ mellow.
Do you want your tongue pierced? HELL YES! ... lol no. Sounds painful. And I have a hard enough time speaking properly as it is.
How many children do you want? As I've said before-- I'm not so sure I'm cut out to be a mother. I'll stick with my cats.
Are you a jealous person? You know, I don't think so.
You're thinking about someone, aren't you? Consciously? Not so much, no.
Do you like hugs? I'm not sure. It's been so long since I've actually had a hug... I'm not sure how I'd respond anymore. >.>
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Absolutely. But I also believe that those second chances need to be earned.
Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Unfortunately, yes.
Are you wasting your time on someone? No. I don't waste time.
Would you ever get a tattoo? I have four. So yes, I guess I would.
Do you get along with girls? Yeah. Where the flip did that come from?
Have you ever slapped someone in the face? No.
Have you ever licked someone's forehead or cheek? Indeed I have. *chuckle*
Any upcoming events you're excited about? Well, Christmas is soon...
Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yes. Though fewer than before.
Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes I have.
Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing? Yes. My dad's flannel shirts are extra comfy.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
It's Too Early For This
Noon doesn't seem early, but I don't think there's ever a good time for this kind of news. Another relative passed away on Monday. His funeral is tomorrow.
He had cancer. Lots of cancer. It was in his bones, and in his brain, his kidneys were shutting down. I can't imagine he was comfortable, but I hope his passing was at least peaceful. His wife is taking it hard, I don't doubt. It's always hard but... Man, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.
So there's another one gone. And apparently another still is at his final days, seeing as they're throwing the word Hospice around. I may well have another funeral to attend before the year is out. If not then, then I'm certain the first part of next. 2013 has been... bumpy.
Still, we move on. We have to. The world keeps turning no matter how much we struggle. Time waits for no one. With every black cloud there remains a silver lining. The dead might be lost, but never forgotten. So this Christmas season we should all be that much more thankful for the family we still have. Nothing lasts forever, so we should cherish our kin while we still can.
Now, enough of that. As I said, time waits for no one, and I have cookies to bake and a blanket to finish... Dishes to do and laundry. At least my knee finally fixed itself. I'd be grateful to not have to deal with that again-- I like being able to walk without a limp, it's faster.
He had cancer. Lots of cancer. It was in his bones, and in his brain, his kidneys were shutting down. I can't imagine he was comfortable, but I hope his passing was at least peaceful. His wife is taking it hard, I don't doubt. It's always hard but... Man, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.
So there's another one gone. And apparently another still is at his final days, seeing as they're throwing the word Hospice around. I may well have another funeral to attend before the year is out. If not then, then I'm certain the first part of next. 2013 has been... bumpy.
Still, we move on. We have to. The world keeps turning no matter how much we struggle. Time waits for no one. With every black cloud there remains a silver lining. The dead might be lost, but never forgotten. So this Christmas season we should all be that much more thankful for the family we still have. Nothing lasts forever, so we should cherish our kin while we still can.
Now, enough of that. As I said, time waits for no one, and I have cookies to bake and a blanket to finish... Dishes to do and laundry. At least my knee finally fixed itself. I'd be grateful to not have to deal with that again-- I like being able to walk without a limp, it's faster.
Ciao,
Lynx
"The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it."
--Mary Catherine Bateson
Sunday, December 8, 2013
I am Puzzled
Can somebody please tell me why the fish I can't straighten my knee? It's been like this all day and it just won't... Do what I tell it to. >.> Does this count on my "My Knees are Stupid" counter thingy? Seriously, what the heck? It's like it's locked... But in a slightly bent position. It feels like the kneecap isn't quite right... Or something. Very irritating. Wellp, guess I'd better get to putting it back, if I can... Been trying all day with no luck. -.- Why can't I have normal problems like everyone else? *sadface*
Lynx. Yeah. I'm lazy and don't feel like formatting. *shrug*
Lynx. Yeah. I'm lazy and don't feel like formatting. *shrug*
Sunday, December 1, 2013
It Looks So Pink...
"It" being my Christmas tree. I actually put it up early this year. Yaaay! This means I won't have to worry about it twenty minutes before the family gets here Christmas Eve. Yay again. But... It's so pink-ish looking. Like every other light is a pink one. Then again, I suppose that shouldn't be surprising. Pink is related to red, and red projects the farthest. *shrug* Yay for science. There's a lot of yay in this post.
I have no idea what I want to cook for dinner. I forgot to pull stuff out. Including bread. Dur. I'll think of something. After I let my body decompress and my brain stops spinning from going around the tree eighty-million times... @.@ Spinning bad.
I probably looked like such a dope earlier too, when I was cleaning the living room. Am I the only one that dances randomly while Swiffer-ing? My dance moves SUCK. lol.
Sooo yeah. The tree is up, the living room is clean, and I'm hungry but too lazy to get up and make something right now. Yep. All's well.
I have no idea what I want to cook for dinner. I forgot to pull stuff out. Including bread. Dur. I'll think of something. After I let my body decompress and my brain stops spinning from going around the tree eighty-million times... @.@ Spinning bad.
I probably looked like such a dope earlier too, when I was cleaning the living room. Am I the only one that dances randomly while Swiffer-ing? My dance moves SUCK. lol.
Sooo yeah. The tree is up, the living room is clean, and I'm hungry but too lazy to get up and make something right now. Yep. All's well.
Ciao,
Lynx
Monday, November 25, 2013
I Did It Again.
Damn these knees... Though I suppose I can count myself lucky this time; Just a pop, not a full dislocation. Seriously though... ASKASFJSDLJFKSJF!!! Yeah.
I think I'm gonna have to do a post every time it happens, from now to July, since that's when the first dislocated knee happened, just to see how many times in a year this can happen. Hopefully it will stay at four, but to be honest, I'm not that optimistic.
Irritating. I need a bubble. Or a hamster wheel. Or something. I had a knee brace once-- borrowed it from my cousin. Gave it back since I could never figure out which knee to put it on. They're both loose and funky and messed up and ANNOYING AS... Y'know what? I'm over it.
My body's not. Apparently this hurts. (If the shaking hands, blurry vision, and spiked body temperature are reliable indicators.) But I'm good at ignoring pain. So if I say it doesn't hurt, then it doesn't.
It doesn't hurt.
Since I don't want the entire post to be about my faulty knees, I'll write something else.
...Shit.
Oh! Oh, I know! I finished one of the edges for the blanket I'm knitting. Got it all attached and everything. Now there's just one more to go and I'm all set. ^^
Can't believe Thanksgiving is this week. Ugh, where did the year go? I still have so much that needs to be done. Speaking of which, I forgot to buy apples the last time I was out grocery shopping. Can't make apple crisp without apples, so I guess another shopping trip is in order. Yay.
What else, what else? Gosh, is my life really that boring when I'm not injuring myself? That's depressing. >.>
Alright. I'm thirsty. I'm going to grab a glass of water, go to bed and pretend that this *flails at knee* didn't happen.
I think I'm gonna have to do a post every time it happens, from now to July, since that's when the first dislocated knee happened, just to see how many times in a year this can happen. Hopefully it will stay at four, but to be honest, I'm not that optimistic.
Irritating. I need a bubble. Or a hamster wheel. Or something. I had a knee brace once-- borrowed it from my cousin. Gave it back since I could never figure out which knee to put it on. They're both loose and funky and messed up and ANNOYING AS... Y'know what? I'm over it.
My body's not. Apparently this hurts. (If the shaking hands, blurry vision, and spiked body temperature are reliable indicators.) But I'm good at ignoring pain. So if I say it doesn't hurt, then it doesn't.
It doesn't hurt.
Since I don't want the entire post to be about my faulty knees, I'll write something else.
...Shit.
Oh! Oh, I know! I finished one of the edges for the blanket I'm knitting. Got it all attached and everything. Now there's just one more to go and I'm all set. ^^
Can't believe Thanksgiving is this week. Ugh, where did the year go? I still have so much that needs to be done. Speaking of which, I forgot to buy apples the last time I was out grocery shopping. Can't make apple crisp without apples, so I guess another shopping trip is in order. Yay.
What else, what else? Gosh, is my life really that boring when I'm not injuring myself? That's depressing. >.>
Alright. I'm thirsty. I'm going to grab a glass of water, go to bed and pretend that this *flails at knee* didn't happen.
Ciao,
Lynx
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
--Albert Einstein.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Stuff Happens
Yep. Couldn't think of a better title for the post. Almost wrote the date and left it there.
So. As was predicted, our open house didn't do very well. *shrug* Worth a try though.
Anyway, I later discovered that I had shingles. Which is weird, 'cause I JUST turned 22, and you usually don't get shingles 'til you're fifty or older. But my body's always been kind of weird, so I guess I can't be too puzzled if it suddenly thinks it's fifty. -.-
Oh, right. I'm back in school. Thank God. I've lost so much time. *sigh* I'm not sure there was a right way to handle the house and my schooling without someone getting hurt somewhere along the line. So even though some of my loans are entering repayment, I'll just have to deal. I'll figure it out. I always do.
I can't believe the year is almost over. Lately it just feels like there's not enough time in the day to do everything I need to. That nagging voice in the back of my head keeps not-so-subtly reminding me that I'm taking on way too much, trying to do more than any one person could accomplish, and in an unrealistic amount of time. But, you know, that's the only way I know how to do these things. It's always been like this, so I don't know how to lay off and not work myself into the ground.
I'm not worried about stress; this is nothing new, and no one's dying this time, so that's good. I'll probably get sick from it a few times, but those bouts only last about a week, so I'll be fine.
Today is one of those rare days where I actually have a surprising amount of free time. I'll spend it knitting. I'm almost done with this blanket I'm making-- just the edges to do and it'll be all done. So proud of myself for coming so far on it. And it looks great, too. I'll definitely be taking pictures once it's finished. I just hope I get it done in time to ship out for Christmas. I should... There's not all THAT much left to do. So yeah, I'll just get to that.
So. As was predicted, our open house didn't do very well. *shrug* Worth a try though.
Anyway, I later discovered that I had shingles. Which is weird, 'cause I JUST turned 22, and you usually don't get shingles 'til you're fifty or older. But my body's always been kind of weird, so I guess I can't be too puzzled if it suddenly thinks it's fifty. -.-
Oh, right. I'm back in school. Thank God. I've lost so much time. *sigh* I'm not sure there was a right way to handle the house and my schooling without someone getting hurt somewhere along the line. So even though some of my loans are entering repayment, I'll just have to deal. I'll figure it out. I always do.
I can't believe the year is almost over. Lately it just feels like there's not enough time in the day to do everything I need to. That nagging voice in the back of my head keeps not-so-subtly reminding me that I'm taking on way too much, trying to do more than any one person could accomplish, and in an unrealistic amount of time. But, you know, that's the only way I know how to do these things. It's always been like this, so I don't know how to lay off and not work myself into the ground.
I'm not worried about stress; this is nothing new, and no one's dying this time, so that's good. I'll probably get sick from it a few times, but those bouts only last about a week, so I'll be fine.
Today is one of those rare days where I actually have a surprising amount of free time. I'll spend it knitting. I'm almost done with this blanket I'm making-- just the edges to do and it'll be all done. So proud of myself for coming so far on it. And it looks great, too. I'll definitely be taking pictures once it's finished. I just hope I get it done in time to ship out for Christmas. I should... There's not all THAT much left to do. So yeah, I'll just get to that.
Ciao,
Lynx
"Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time' is to say 'I don't want to.'"
--Lao Tzu
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