Cynicism, Cowardice, and the Three Step Solution to My Problem

“Life is such unutterable hell, solely because it is sometimes beautiful. If we could only be miserable all the time, if there could be no such things as love or beauty or faith or hope, if I could be absolutely certain that my love would never be returned: how much more simple life would be. One could plod through the Siberian salt mines of existence without being bothered about happiness.” 
― T.H. White, Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Stories That Scared Even Me

Precisely. Life would be so much easier, so much simpler, if I just didn't have to worry about these things. But, you know what? Life's not easy. Life's not simple. No matter how much I wish I didn't have to feel or see the beautiful things, no matter how much I'd rather just duck my head and stick to the things I know I can accomplish... I wake up in the morning, and Life reminds me, "Hey. You're human. You're gonna feel. You're gonna fear. Because you're human. And you're alive. So what're you gonna do about it?"

Honestly, I don't know. I don't have the slightest idea, because there's no guide book, no manual for this. No one's ever written a book on "how to live the right way" or "how to feel properly"... Because everyone's different.. That, or it's just never been done. The prideful part of me always screams at me to buck up and be brave. Be true. This part of me is reckless, clamoring to just go for it, just take the risk and see what happens. Another part of me suggests caution. Caution then mutates into hesitation, which gives way to doubt and the cycle continues. Doubt and hesitate, doubt and hesitate.

A third part of me just laughs and says, "Lynx. You're screwed. Run for it."

Sometimes I think the coward in me is the smartest side of myself. And also the bravest. Sometimes, I feel like an act of cowardice, running away, takes more grit and bravery than sticking around to see what happens. Sometimes it's easier to say, "Heeey, I'm on a roll, let's bet again and maybe I'll win," than it is to say, "Heey, I'm on a roll, but momentum only lasts so long." Er. Do I have that backwards? Because a lot of people would say, "Nothing wagered, nothing gained." I think they forget the other side of that coin: "Too much wagered, too much lost."

There are, I suppose, two different kinds of bravery. The first is the kind that people typically recognize; the kind that sticks it out and takes the risk and doesn't back down. The second is the quiet kind. This bravery stays quiet and walks away, having decided that it's better to not know at all than to suffer. I don't know which one is smarter. Or if they're both moronic. I don't know a lot of things. But I do know that I'm terrified.

If I jump, if I decide to let go and fall... How hard will I hit if there's nothing there to catch me?
If I run, if I say "fucking screw it"... How much time will I waste contemplating the phrase "what if"?
And if I do nothing... How long until I lose the rest of my sanity, do something stupid, and end up with less than I started with?

I know me. I'm not confident with much. I'm really not confident with feelings. I can sort out other people no problem, but me... My brain and my heart are too interconnected in this jumbled mess for me to even begin to make sense of it all. It's all tangled together in this giant, messy knot.

So what do I do? I think. I think hard. What am I wishing for? Is it realistic?

That always gets me. Is it realistic? Well I don't bloody know, do I? If I did, there wouldn't be a problem, because if it was realistic, I'd have gone for it already; and if it wasn't, well that'd be the end of it!

And then I have an "Aha!" moment. Transference. Displacement. Mental mutation. That last one sounds a bit creepy, but it's also the best description of the three. This is my Three Step Solution to Heartsickness Which May or May Not Be Just Another Form of Running Like Hell.

Step One: Admit it.
Check.
Step Two: Express it.
Twelve line poem? Check.
Step Three: Turn it into something else.
This one takes time and diligence, and is also where the "running like hell" bit comes in. The last person I loved, I still love. But not in that way. Practice lying to yourself in the mirror and remember to smile (smiling makes it hurt less). Be decisive. Whenever the thought, "but what if" enters your mind, snuff it out. Say, "No. This is how it is."

Keep. Your. Distance. It's hard to not like people when they're always charming you, so make yourself tougher to charm.


.... I just came to the awkward realization that I never take my own advice, especially when it sucks. What kind of sick masochist is going to tolerate a giant "WHAT IF" hanging over their head for an indefinite amount of time? And if, as it so often goes, this person is a friend and you distance yourself from them... What does that say of you, where the friendship is concerned?

THE REAL STEP THREE: ??? I don't bloody know. Choose something, and stand by your decision.
I have written all of this and am no closer to an answer than I was an hour ago. I may have even just confused myself more.
Haha. Only me.

I have become an expert in talking myself in circles.

Cheers,

Lynx

An Unpleasant Case of Deja-Vu

That probably looks really grim, considering the last post. But things are actually alright here. Anyway. On the first of July, two years ago, I wrote:

"Dear Brain: Shut up. Or think about something else. Your nagging over the past three days has become annoying to the point where I'm considering a lobotomy via crochet hook.

Dear Heart: Stop agreeing with the brain. You two are supposed to always be conflicting, and it's unsettling when you agree. Also, stop trying to make your way onto my sleeve; you don't belong there.

Dear Subconscious: No. Just no.

Dear Cupid: STOP SHOOTING ME, YOU LITTLE PEST! I get it, okay? The issue has been dealt with so go pick on someone else!

*grumble* My mind needs an off switch."

A few days ago I came to a horrifying realization: Here we are again, with the same thoughts for the same reason. The person is different though, which I'm grateful for because, damn it's been forever. But still. Gimme a break. Stuck writing poetry about this nonsense, my fingers are slipping up typing the most irritating and embarrassing Freudian slips... *headdesk* The issue has not been dealt with though, nor do I think it's going to be. I remember what happened the last time, and I'm really not willing to go through that a second time when I already know the outcome. Just wastes time.

Hopefully what worked before will work again and life will return to some semblance of normal. After all, if you lie to yourself enough, you might end up believing it. Bergen Evans, you genius you, lying really IS an indispensable part of making life tolerable. For now though, share my... Whatever this is. Frustration? Horror? Absolute shock and dismay?

The entire point of loving everyone was to make it so I wouldn't end up loving anyone. Not that way, at least. Jeez, brain, get with the program.

Just How Long? (I Lie to You)

Easy breathing and a steady heart beat
Soft thoughts; a gentle smile that you can't see
Times like this, when I'm raw and real and weak
I thank Heaven that you're blind to me

I don't want to permit this
But I can't push back what I know
So here I stay, with my head in the clouds
And my heart so far below

What I feel, what I fight
The truth stares back in frightened eyes
I pause and wonder, just how long have I been lying to you?
And for just how long will I continue to?

Shoot me now, before this worsens into something more than a twelve-line poem.

Lynx

Heavy

It's the only word I can think of to describe how things feel right now. It's not that things are chaotic right now; quite the opposite. Things seem calm. But it feels charged, like there's tension just below the surface. It makes me nervous. I don't know if I'm just being hypersensitive and expecting things to go downhill because that's how it always happens, or if it's something actually happening. There's pressure here; I know it. But I don't know why or when or where. It's calm for now, but it feels like the calm before the storm. I want to believe that it's just my cynicism, but... My cynicism is usually right.

I'm nervous. Fidgety. Anxious in a way that I can't explain.

Two nights ago, I started having flashbacks again. Of 2010. I don't understand why. Is it some sort of freak premonition, or just my subconscious playing cruel games with me? I know things aren't going perfectly here, but... It's nothing that can't be worked around. Mom seems happy, but there again... She did before, too. I really don't want to believe that she would do something like that again, she DID promise, after all.

But promises are easy to break.

I hope I'm just being paranoid. But until this tension clears, I don't think I'll be able to relax. Everything feels so tense, but maybe it's me. No matter. From here on, I watch that woman like a hawk. I don't repeat mistakes.

Ciao,

Lynx

"They say wisdom comes with time. That's not quite true. Wisdom comes with experience. Time and experience often go hand-in-hand, but not always. I haven't had much time, not really, but I've seen and experienced much. Wisdom is learned, not bestowed on you with silver hair." -- Your's Truly