You are too stubborn for your own good. You could stand to swallow your pride more than once every twenty-three years, as well. I know you hate showing weakness and the prospect of being dependent on anyone or anything makes you visibly cringe (almost as much as you do every time that damned ice cream truck rolls by), but woman... You're being a child. Sometimes it's cute-- the mental image of the cool facade you like to use so much crumbling with a proverbial stomping of the feet and crossing of the arms. Most times though, it's annoying. You know it (mostly because you're writing it, but admitting it too much makes it confusing). Anyway, circular speaking aside: Grow a backbone or something. Seriously. When did you become such a coward, huh? You never used to be afraid of speaking your mind because-- OH NOES-- it might offend someone. I seem to recall actually enjoying being painfully honest just to watch people squirm... Okay, maybe that's not something to be proud of, but honestly, you shouldn't be hiding and whimpering like this. You're such a chicken sometimes! And you can't even answer the simple question of "why." Well, you can, you have a snide, vague, deliberately evasive answer for just about everything, but that's not the point. Your answers suck. That's the point. They're unfounded. Actually, they've kinda already been refuted, so there. News flash sweetie (and really, this shouldn't be a news flash because this is one of your favorite snarky comments): You're smart, but you're not a mind reader. You do not know how every single other person you come into contact with feels. About you, or about anything. You only know what you've been told. Stop overcomplicating things and for shit's sake stop trying to find negative things in neutral or positive situations. I thought we were past that? I mean yeah, you've been screwed by people before. You have been called a pest, and you've certainly been stepped on (you little rug, you). You've been cast aside by a bunch of people who only bother to get in touch with you when they want something from you, and okay, I can see why that would make you stubborn and slightly standoffish.
But again, you don't know. Stop treating everyone like they're gonna bite you the first chance they get. Some might, but I think most won't. You can't judge everyone against one or two or even twenty bad experiences. You're the one who's so determined to leave the past in the past; why are you so keen to let it rule you now?
Oh, and another thing... Your reasonings and your actions? Yeah, you're being kind of an ass. Sure, nobody but you knows why you do (or don't do) what you do, and you could easily brush it off with a lie. You're good at that. But you can't lie to yourself, and you know the way you handle things makes you miserable, so knock it the fish off. Your reasons suck too, by the way. They're excuses because you're scared. Of things that have no solid basis in fact.
You're being petty. And dumb. If things bother you, say so. I'm sure things'd change if you did. But people can't change if they don't know what's bothering you. ... Not that you should demand people change for your convenience, it's more a request for... Ah, you know what I'm talking about; there's no good way to word it. The point I'm trying to make here is this: You can't really expect every person you meet to hurt or secretly disdain you because one or two people may have before... Even if it was more than one or two people, that beside the point. If you have questions, ask them. If you have qualms, assert yourself and see if you can't fix them. If these people are your friends as they claim to be, they'd probably prefer you do that than be stubborn and petty and miserable and CHICKEN. >.> And if not... Well then maybe it's time to find some better friends.
Isn't this nice, being all honest and stuff? (Yes, it's also disconcerting that you can only ever seem to make sense of yourself while addressing yourself as someone else... We need to work on your/our social skills...)
Go find that courage you had before you decided you were afraid of offending the people that hurt you.
"This is the time for chasing my desires. What's in my heart is true. And if my dreams set everything on fire, then I would still belong to you." --Amaranthe "True"
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