I Have A Hidden Talent

I can shrink papers. It's more of a curse, actually. I get assignments that are supposed to be 1-2 pages, and I can answer every question and elaborate in less than a single page... I wonder if this is a good or bad thing. lol

Anywho, I seem to be sick. Again. Massive headache, despite taking a nap earlier, sore throat, coughing... I blame the temperature changes we've had these last few days. At least I'm not feeling quite so wobbly now.

Currently enjoying the Olympic Games. Watched a few heats of my old sport (Swimming, for those of you who don't know.) and now a volleyball match. I was a decent volleyball player, but I have this unfortunate fear of projectiles that prevents me from partaking in most sports... Tennis is easily the worst for me... I run and hide instead of go after the ball. lol Another one of my silly quirks. The rest of the day is mine to enjoy... Though I think I may be seeking another nap if my head doesn't stop pounding soon.

Ciao,

Lynx

Cold Steel

I finally found it again. That numbness that kept me safe before. It's what I'm made of now. Cold steel and hollow stone.

I wanna be a rock in the next life. Rocks have it made. They don't feel anything. They don't need to do anything for anyone, and if someone kicks them, they just roll away and settle somewhere else. You can't get any simpler than that, and simple sounds great right about now.

Great job, Lynx. Yeah. Wish for something interesting to happen. IDIOT. Now everything's gone all to Hell again... Is it interesting enough now? >.< I can't stand myself sometimes. But, I can wipe the slate clean. Blank canvas, like before. I'll just absorb what I can and wait it out. The old standby.

But let's not nearly kill anyone this time. Being an almost murderer once- even if it was done unknowingly- is more than enough.

Ciao,

Lynx

"You're better off empty and blank than left with a single pathetic trace of this. Smother another failure- lay this to rest!"

--Lamb of God: "Laid to Rest"

"You can surrender without a prayer, but never really pray, pray without surrender... You can fight, fight without ever winning, but never, ever win, win without fight."

--Rush: "Resist"

"I am what man has made me with his hate and cruel ways."

--Iced Earth: "The Phantom Opera Ghost"

I'm Losing It

"It" being patience. Honestly, WHO THE HELL GOES GROCERY SHOPPING AT TEN AT NIGHT?! Ah yes, that would be my infernal mother. And on top of that, she's extra hormonal today. Don't think I need to illuminate, so I won't. She's not even trying to keep her hormones in check. Or her temper. Or anything else, for that matter. She can't pick a mood and settle with it, she's gotta be in three different moods at once, which inevitably puts ME in a very grumpy one. Needless to say, I'm a little ired.

One of these days, I'm going to tape her, and send her the video. It will probably be the same day that I scold her in a grocery store for acting like a two-year-old. Honestly, the shit I put up with is unbelievable. And yeah, maybe I deserve it, but I damn well deserve a medal too. Going to attempt to get some sleep. Grass needs to be cut and the litter boxes need tending to, and I'd prefer to do that while this heathen creature is still sleeping. You know, so I don't have to worry about it shrieking at me for cleaning the boxes in the wrong order. *smirk*

Ciao,

Lynx

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. Anger is like fire. It burns it all clean."

--Maya Angelou    

I'm Getting Lazy

But only when it comes to this, so I suppose it's not a horrible thing. At least I'm not getting lazy with my coursework, which does tend to happen a lot. lol Anyway, my Uncle Mike had his 50th birthday party yesterday. We surprised him, and it was epic. I have some pictures that I will gladly post.

Anyway, not doing much today, don't plan on doing much either. I'm not sure if that made sense or not... Oh well. Finished my assignment for my second week... Started this time tracker thingy and it is absolutely MADDENING. I mean, really, who plans their day by fifteen minute increments? That's not enough time to do much of anything. Personally, I don't plan my whole day. I have a to-do list. I start it after breakfast, and I go down the list, which is organized by priority... Time isn't much of a factor, since I do something until it is done. The only things I pay attention to time for are appointments. >.< Needless to say, this time tracker thing is extremely frustrating for me, and not very useful at all.

So...

I'm attempting to fall OUT of love with my best friend. It's working about as well as my attempts to prevent this whole thing from happening. In other words: It's not working at all.

He's too nice. Too sweet, too kind, too stupidly naive... Bah, this shouldn't have happened. And yet, here we are. *sigh* This is like an emotional catch 22. And he, as far as I know, has no idea. He's probably already forgotten what I said... Maybe if I just keep quiet... But that doesn't really help me, does it?

I feel like I need to do something to drag myself out of this, but the vast majority of me doesn't want to cooperate. I'm DEFINITELY going to kill Cupid once all this is over... If this ends... it has to, right? Because quite frankly, this is an awful lot of unnecessary pain. What kind of jerk makes a girl fall for her clueless best friend?

Hmm... This sounds like a teenage romance novel. That's NEVER a good sign. Help, please.

Ciao,

Lynx

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp.”

-Unknown

(Well, crap.)

Insert Title Here

Not very creative today, sorry. Not very motivated either. Guess my coursework will be done tomorrow, then. *sigh* What on Earth did I do with my day? lol Well, at least tomorrow will be cooler- maybe then I'll actually have the mental presence to do something.

Ciao,

Lynx

Well, That was Short-Lived

Yesterday would have been an unusually good post. My mom was sane. We were watching movies together, and talking and I spent a lot of the day NOT locked in my room. It was very pleasant.

And now it's gone. It's 97 degrees and humid. She always, ALWAYS gets pissy when the weather's like this... And yet, she wants to move to a frecking desert. >.< Unbelievable. She claims it's the humidity, but the dew point isn't super high today. *sigh* I swear, I'm gonna go mad if she keeps this up. Not kidding. Hopefully she'll go over to my aunt's to help make birthday decorations tomorrow. Let someone else deal with her for a change, even if it's just for a little while. Can't stand the woman anymore. She's a lunatic. She's never happy, she's always sulking or complaining, or making excuses about how she CAN'T do stuff. Grr! It's sooo frustrating. And she had the balls to half-threaten me by pushing me out of the chair today. If she touches me even ONCE, it's on. I have enough bruises, I don't need her help with that.

I KNEW I should have petitioned to have her spend some time in Mental Health. I knew it. But that place is so horrible, I didn't want to subject anyone else to it. Who knows, maybe she'd have learned to keep herself in check! She doesn't bother with that sort of thing now, only if there are other people around. Just like dad. Pretending again. >.> One minute she's shrieking like an insane person about how I'm completely useless, then we go somewhere and she's all "I have such a helpful daughter, aren't I good parent?"

No, Mom. Not really. Good parents don't do this sort of thing. Good parents don't make their kids want to hide in their rooms for the majority of the day, and good parents DEFINITELY don't prompt their kids to start considering a restraining order or self-defense classes.

Personally, I'm about done with this nonsense. Two years of tiptoeing around for fear of offending her, keeping what I actually want to say bottled up... That's too long. She needs a reality check, and if she pushes me again, she's gonna get one. It won't be pretty either- I don't intend to sugar-coat anything. She's as bad as Dad was. Hate to say it, but I really can't stand that woman. Not when she's like this.

Ciao,

Lynx

I don't even care enough to find a quote that reflects how much I don't care... Wow.

Oops?

lol I forgot to post yesterday. But I HAD EMAILS! Yaaay! And I didn't black out hardly at all yesterday either.

Anyway, the main reason for me not posting yesterday is because my mom dragged me to watch a bunch of old cars go by. Yeah... SO bored. But she was in a really good mood after that, so it was almost like a normal day. We ate in the same room and talked like normal people- it was nice. Then we went over to our neighbor's- they'd invited us over to watch as they lit off a bunch of fireworks. We really do have some of the nicest neighbors- they've always been super kind to us. I'll have to find a nice, subtle way to say thank you. ^^

Anywho, just finished a research paper for college, feeling pretty good about it too. Naturally, I'm in a super mood right now, lounging around, completely relaxed. Everything I needed to do today is done- I've the whole weekend to do practically whatever I want. lol I LIKE that idea.

Ciao for now!

Lynx

"Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: This is the ideal life."

-Mark Twain                           

Pain Vs. Honesty

I think I've only been out of my room twice today. Stashed a pack of crackers as "provisions." Need to get some water though, haven't had any today. So yeah... Not a peep out of anyone today. Kinda like yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that as well. Exactly like last summer. Except last summer, I could walk through my house without fearing for my life.

I wish people would just be honest with me for a change. I can't stand be strung along- No,mom. You're not fine. I wouldn't be hiding in my room for 18 hours straight if you were fine. *sigh* Seems like everyone's like that now. Kinda like when people say, "Oh, yeah. I'll call you tomorrow," and then tomorrow never comes. Granted, I stopped waiting for tomorrow a long time ago, once I figured out that it's just a formality. Something people don't actually intend to do.

Pretty listless today. All my stressing over the last week or so has me pretty much beat. I think I should just accept defeat gracefully. It wouldn't be so bad, really, if I could actually get interested in something. But, for some reason, I don't want to do anything at all. I kinda had to force myself to write this. I can stare out the window for two straight hours, and not remember a single thought. Is that normal? It's like I black out or something. Weird... Oh well, that's two hours that I don't have to worry about, at lest.

My head is pounding at the moment, most probably from dehydration... But I can hear my mom moving about, so I'm not going to go out yet. I can wait.

You know what's funny? I was friends with Lulu for about a year before he/she/it decided to shred what little faith I had in humanity... I've been friends with Nathaniel for a year now... I wonder if he'll do the same thing. It wouldn't surprise me, not really. Not at this point. Pity, I actually like the kid. lol Oh well, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Why bother anyway- it's just another person who doesn't think I'm worth their time. *shrug* Nothing new.

Bear and my letters- those are the only allies I've ever needed. I've always made it through just fine that way. Besides, relying on people gets messy. If you pull through it yourself, you won't owe anyone.

Ciao,

Lynx

"A cynic is someone who knows the cost of everything, and the value of nothing."

-Oscar Wilde              

"Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable."

-Bergen Evans                                           

Meh...

Woke up with a strange, sicky-achey feeling today, and there's this sneaking suspicion that God or the Powers that Be or W/e had me hit over the head with a baseball bat last night... Repeatedly. Managed a piece of fruit and some crackers about seven hours ago... I should probably eat something... And water would be good too. Just woke up from a serious nap, but don't feel any better- just that I REALLY need to brush my teeth again.

Needless to say, absolutely NOTHING happened today. I've had a grand total of one conversation with my mother, lasting maybe thirty seconds. It's a little stressful, to be honest, but it's better than being screamed at for existing, right? *sigh* My friends, what few I have, picked a pretty inconvenient time to all get busy, but hey... C'est la vie. Still got Bear- so I'm never really alone, anyway. I feel like I need to do something constructive, but the pain in my limbs and extremities are making me hesitate. :( I already hurt mentally and emotionally, do I really HAVE to hurt physically too?

What a crappy kinda day. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I can keep trying again and again as long as this spit of land keeps turning and I see that star every morning. It's a corny thing to say, I know, but it's true. Each day is another chance to heal, to try and find that smile I was wearing about a week ago... That was nice, you know? I was smiling. REALLY smiling. Not the weak, fake thing I'd been wearing for the better part of my life, but a real, genuine smile... Where did that go? Now I'm trying not to make any conscious expression at all- my lips are raw from all the biting I've been subjecting them to. Nervous habit and all...

You know, someone said something to me on the other blog: if you can't be honest on your own blog, then the whole world's gone pretty much to hell... Or something along those lines.

Well, anonymous reader, the world's pretty much gone to hell. I keep saying how I'm going to be optimistic and try for a better tomorrow... I'm not optimistic at all. I don't even want to SEE tomorrow, I'd rather be lost tonight and not wake up. How could anyone be optimistic about this? And why, WHY am I always going through these things alone? I just talked to some people not that long ago- where are they now, when I actually need them?

Yeah. I said it. I need people. Not a lot, just a few. Otherwise, I'll drown in this. I need someone to remind me that I'm not alone, that there are some people who support me... Goodness knows I've been through too much to be able to do this alone anymore... I have this bad habit of saying I can handle things on my own. So much so that people think I'm strong.

I'm not. Not at all. I'm small and weak and fragile and so DAMN lonely... I don't usually mind the silence, it's always been a comforting thing. Now it's just cold. My music is cold. I don't want to listen. I don't want to sing. So I've been staring out my window... At weeds. I think I memorized every detail, and still I stare. I don't really see them. I don't see anything, now that I think on it. It's to the point where I just recognize them as points of light and color, the slightest of movement... And then I'm gone.

I don't know where I go, but I'm definitely not here. It's spacing out on an extreme level. And when I come back, I don't remember anything that I could have thought about. Blank slate. That stings a bit. I've not lost coherent thought- I've lost ALL thought. But I never feel good about it. I just hurt more. Things are going downhill fast, now, and this looks like it's going to be one hell of a big hill...

Ciao,

Lynx

"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding onto."

-Unknown                     

"I am dying: It is a beautiful word. Like the long, slow sigh of the cello: dying. But the sound of it is the only thing beautiful about it."

-Sonya Hartnett

What a Mess

That's what I am, yessir. I let myself drown in sorrow yesterday, and continued to wallow in it today... Which is a real shame because it was a beautiful day and I probably could've done something productive instead of laying in bed and staring at the window, moping about this and that, and oh, why couldn't I have done this differently, and what would have happen if I'd done this instead and all sorts of other things that can't be changed and therefore aren't worth my time...

I know why I did it though. It was familiar- a reflex almost. That's what depressed people do. They mope and let the sorrow and pain and stress drain them of all their energy. Well, that's enough. I've got to pick myself up and dust myself off- I can try again tomorrow, and it will be a better day. I know this, because I'm going to MAKE it a better day, just as I MADE today a miserable one.

I can't make my inbox fill up, no... But I should be at least a little grateful for the lull, since that means that I've finished all these damnable college forms. ^^ Perspective, perspective. It's a hard choice to make sometimes, where you're going to look at things from, and that choice governs EVERYTHING, at least until you decide to move for a different view... Speaking of which:

I'm going to take a shower. And then I'm going to throw in a load of this laundry that was supposed to be done this weekend. And while that's going, I'm going to turn my music up loud and I'm going to KNIT. I want things to go back to some semblance of normal, some reminder of the stable things in my life. The only thing not quite normal about this idea is that my room will be clean, which is such a rarity that it is just plain odd.

Ciao,

Lynx

"It will never rain roses: When we want to have more roses, we must plant more roses."

-George Elliot

"The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can't are both right. Which one are you?"

-Henry Ford

"If plan 'A' doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters- 204 if you're in Japan."

-Claire Cook

An Added Sigh

Cried myself to sleep last night. At my desk. There's a first time for everything, I guess. Boy, did I ever look a hot mess this morning. lol Pathetic.

I need to stop letting these things get to me so much. Anyway, managed to eat lunch in the same room as my mom... Didn't say a word, mind you, but I suppose it's a start. I could see her getting irritated though- I was about to ask what she wanted to do for dinner, but... Yeah. Dad used to ask food-related questions all the time, and it peeved her even then. I'd prefer to make it through the day without acquiring any more bruises.

So, here I am, back in my room, where it's safe to pause and think... Thank goodness for Bear. I don't know how I'd ever manage to get through all this if it weren't for that little guy... Big thank-you to whoever invented the teddy-bear. Seriously. I have no idea how I'm going to get eight more hours to go by without going mad... *sigh*

It's funny. I've been alone for as long as I can remember, but I've never actually been lonely... It hurts.

Ciao,

Lynx

"Nobody likes being alone that much. I just don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It only leads to disappointment."

- Haruki Murakami

"When you have nobody to make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over."

-Audrey Hepburn

Two For One

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. Collapsed from exhaustion once my uncle left our cook out, having only got about three hours of sleep.
Said cook out went well... Granted, there were only three people eating, including myself. Other than that, there's not really much to say, save for that I still don't care all that much for tuna salad.

On to today. Spent most of the day in my room, since I had a feeling bad things would happen if I set foot outside. I was right.
Is it normal to feel like you can't be comfortable in your own home unless you're alone? Because that's kind of how it is right now. My mom again. Go figure. I feel like I can't even be in the same room with her without setting her off. Everything I do is either not the way she would do it, or completely wrong... I'm beginning to wonder if there's actually a difference between the two. She sounds just like Dad used to, but I'm pretty sure she'd beat me to a bloody pulp if I said that to her. *sigh* It's kind of difficult to not get upset over, since Mom and I used to be really close... Now I don't want to be anywhere near her. Everywhere she goes, it feels like tension follows. I cannot be honest with her- she gets so, SO angry. And then I get scared.

Not for me, of course, but for her. What if she does something foolish again? (I know I probably don't make much sense right now, maybe this year I'll be able to fully explain what happened.)

Anyway, locked in my room again, afraid to come out. I'm seriously considering working my sleeping and eating schedules around so I don't ever have to be in the same room with her. I know it's kind of rude (and cowardly on my part) to be like that, but I hate being in such a tense position. She always seems fairly calm when I first come into a room, it's after I'm there for more than five minutes that things get ugly.

Logic would indicate then, that I'M the problem... But I'm not. I know I'm not because I've sat in complete silence before, and she started going off on me for no reason, saying I was sulking and it was irritating her. I tried to explain that I was just thinking, not sulking at all, and... Well, let's just say that I do the vast majority of my thinking in my room or in the shower now.

This probably seems really petty of me- it could be worse. At least I still HAVE a mother. She could've died two years ago, THEN where would I be? But it's kind of hard to think like that when you're forced to reduce the space in which you live to a single room. I shouldn't have to tiptoe into my kitchen to fix myself dinner, it should be fine... Actually, we SHOULD be eating our meals together, like an actual family would. That terrifies me a bit. I don't want to. I don't want to be anywhere near her.

Am I a coward?

Part of me says yes, the other says no.

I've tried talking to her about this before. It didn't work. Granted, I was in tears because I couldn't bottle up any more inside of me... *sigh* I don't think there are any other options for this- I can't talk to her, and I've really got nowhere to go... So I guess I just hide until I can figure something else out. I don't like this. I don't like this at all...

I'm getting tired off all this. If it's not one thing, it's something else, and if it's not either of those than it's something other than that...  I've had enough of this, really I have. What's the point of fighting through all this heavy stuff if there's just more waiting for you... Eleven years, it's been, since I actually got a good night's sleep, though the last four have easily been the worst. And halfway through the fifth where nothing's really gotten any better. Nothing's changed all that much. One parent is dead. The other one has developed the deceased's love of berating me. I fail to see the point in fighting, but I can't just give up either. I have people relying on me for things. I can't back out on everyone else just because I'm having a hard time...

I'm stuck. And I have no idea how to get unstuck. I think I need another vacation.

Ciao,

Lynx

"Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage."

-Seneca                                                                                    

"I am a slow walker, but I never walk back."

-Abraham Lincoln                                                                     

Bright Lights

The big night of our fireworks festival was tonight... Well, guess it'd be last night, now. Regardless, it was awesome. We had fireworks coming off our bridge, complete with giant fireballs! Sa-weet!

Naturally, my ankle didn't start giving me fits until I actually needed to use it, but it was well worth the small bit of trouble I had. I ended up taping almost twenty five minutes of the show, which is about half. lol Next year I may as well set up a tripod and tape the whole thing! It was the 50th anniversary of the festival this year, too, so they wanted something special. I'd say they managed it and then some.

The finale was like daylight, maybe brighter, and the ground was shaking from the blasts- an EXCELLENT show.

Anyway, we decided to have our cookout tomorrow... Today. lol So I need to work on getting the house ready tonight.

Ciao!

Lynx

And how!

I have done nothing today. lol I might attempt later what I said I was going to attempt earlier. Heat index is about 110. And my ankle is about three times the size it should be. Watching movies now. on ABC Family. Should tell you what I'm watching. XD

Dear lord, that new Crunchy Nut Cereal, or whatever it was has a really FREAKY commercial. *sigh* The world of advertisement is a scary place.

Anywho, I don't think we'll be going to the second night of fireworks- mom's passed out in the chair, and I should probably be responsible and rest this ankle of mine. Tomorrow is the one that really matters, so be ready for that!

Ciao,

Lynx

Only Me

So... I actually did take some pictures and videos last night, I was just way too tired (and sore) to manage a coherent post. So I guess I'll do that today, before I begin my laundry and a valiant attempt to clean my bathroom... Which will likely end in failure, since walking right now is pretty painful.

Oh. Right. I sprained my ankle yesterday. Don't even ask how it happened, 'cause I have no idea. One minute I was walking, the next I was on the ground with stabbing pains going through my leg. It's really swollen today, of course, and probably a lovely shade of purple. (I haven't looked yet, since I've got it wrapped.)

Anywho, here's the media I promised, and then I need to get to work.

Let's Begin...

Soooo... 97 outside today- A PERFECT DAY TO CLEAN HOUSE. @.@

Well, I'm still alive, so I guess it went okay... *ish miserable*

BUT. There's fireworks tonight! And Elephant Ears and Lemonade! (I don't care if it's laden with sugar and fat and carbs all at the same time, I EARNED this dammit!)

If I take any pictures or video of tonight, I'll post them when I get home.
No quote today, either. I'm too lazy to find one that suits this sorry excuse for an entry. lol

Ciao,

Lynx

Happy Fourth

To my fellow Americans: Happy Independence Day.
To everyone else... Happy day? lol
Ninety seven or so degrees at the moment, with a heat index of 104. Friday's supposed to be 99. Canada has never sounded so nice. lol

So I've been lounging about in front of a fan, coloring kid's pages, watching children's movies, and drinking chocolate milk. I don't think it's possible for the day to get more dismal. When you need to escape reality so badly that you start watching "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh," you should probably just go back to bed. -.-;

Watching "World's Dumbest" now... I swear, one of these days I'm going to see selected parts of my graduating class on this show. Anyway, it's been a quiet day, and I'm expecting a pretty quiet night. No emails, no phone calls... No explosive outbursts from my mother, though she's suddenly taken sides with my brain and won't shut up about certain things regarding certain people. What a friend. >.>

Ciao,

Lynx

"Whosoever is delighted in solitude is, either a wild beast or god."

-Aristotle                                                     

A Slip Up in Common Sense

Yeah. You'd think that when it's this hot outside, I'd be wise enough to drink lots of water. After all, I didn't go through four years of band camp for nothing. But no. Wisdom comes and goes with me, I guess- since I haven't managed more than a half a bottle of water the entire day.

So there I was, suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion all at once, you'd think maybe then I'd drink some water? Nah, how 'bout a frecking nap! >.< Naturally, once I got up I was easily as unsteady as a baby giraffe with a blood alcohol of 8. Not .8. EIGHT. lol A good remedy for that is a cool shower, and I feel a bit better now, though still quite ill. Sipping a bottle of water right now in an attempt to remedy my earlier stupidity.

But anyway. I printed off some more coloring pages- they're so super easy too... But they were cute. My reasoning has gone completely out the window today, clearly. And the more I try not to think, the more I think... And the more I try to think about something else, the harder it is to actually do. I'm about ready to give up resisting- too much effort for so few results. And none of them positive. Man, I'm hopeless. It's sickening.

Ciao,

Lynx

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and bleed."

                                                                                                    -Ernest Hemingway

I'm Beginning to Think I Have a Problem Here...

I've been copying quotations for the past two days. Like, ALL day. lol Well, I shouldn't say all day- I did go out and cut the grass. Even let mom do a bit of it. (Granted, I had to run after her and remind her to put the blades down.) *sigh* I don't think it's possible for me to be more bored. Normally I wouldn't mind, the silence is a good place to think, but...

My mind keeps wandering. Back to that place I want to stay far away from. I can tell myself I'm really happy with how things are right now, but not without feeling my heart tear a little. Still, I want to do what's right, not what suits my wishes. It's not fair to anyone to be that selfish, so I'll just try to suffer quietly. It's easier to fake smiles now- I've had lots of time to practice. And who knows- maybe this will pass over and everything really will go back to how it was before...

Yet another part of me is stubborn enough to think that I could wait a hundred years and still not be fatigued. This is new. Of course, even BELIEVING in love is new for me. I always thought it was just some useless ideal- I underestimated it's strength. And the pain that it brings. I never thought it possible for a single person to twist a heart so painfully without even trying. And yet this pain is sweeter somehow, to the point where I almost don't mind it. It is a gentle sort of suffering, with your mind and your heart screaming out at you to try harder, even when you know you don't have a chance.

Life has always had a way of testing me. Will this be the test I finally fail? And where is that line between success and failure? The lines have blurred, and right now I feel pretty content to merely hover within the shades of grey between black and white. Between success and failure- Hope. Wishing. Dreaming. I'll wake up eventually, but on what side I'm not sure. And I don't want to dare to speculate. To be honest, I want nothing more to do with this. But it's much harder to fall out of love than it is to fall into it. Once it gets a hold of you, you have to really fight your way back out... But there's always a part of you that doesn't want to fight. A part that would rather give into the fire and be dragged further and further down, where reality doesn't sting quite so much.

But you have to wake up sometime. Dreams die all the time, wishes often go unfulfilled, and hope is merely something that dangles before the desperate... So why am I so afraid? Why do I feel my heart cracking with every false, "it's fine. I'm fine. Everything's good..."? And why do I feel the need to reprimand myself for feeling this way? I'm torn between the wish for his happiness and the want for mine, but we all know what will win in the end. It's probably the only redeeming quality I have, this fierce loyalty to my friends and their comfort. I would rather die than cause I friend pain or fear, and so that's what I'll do.

Sweetly. Gently. Quietly. Until the storm passes and I wake up from this strange mix of dream and nightmare...
It really sucks, falling in love with your best friend.

Ciao,

Lynx

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

-Elizabeth Gilbert       

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

-Paulo Coelho 

"Some people care too much. I think it's called love."

-A.A. Milne                                                                 

"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

Nostalgia in a Bowl

That's what I just had. And it was amazing.
Actually, it was just jello pudding cooked up and served over French Vanilla ice cream... But close enough. My grandfather used to make that all the time, and I randomly had a craving for it while I was on my trip overseas... Just got around to making it now though. Better than any comfort food, when you can enjoy the taste and texture of something as well as the memories it brings back.

I wonder if I'll be able to find a quote about chocolate pudding. lol

Ciao,

Lynx

"Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember."

-L.M. Montgomery, The Story Girl                         

Dears...

Dear Brain: Shut up. Or think about something else. Your nagging over the past three days has become annoying to the point where I'm considering a lobotomy via crochet hook.

Dear Heart: Stop agreeing with the brain. You two are supposed to always be conflicting, and it's unsettling when you agree. Also, stop trying to make your way onto my sleeve; you don't belong there.

Dear Subconscious: No. Just no.

Dear Cupid: STOP SHOOTING ME, YOU LITTLE PEST! I get it, okay? The issue has been dealt with so go pick on someone else!

*grumble* My mind needs an off switch.

Ciao,

Lynx

"Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has it's rainbow."

J.M. Barrie, The Little Minister

"Sometimes, no matter how many eyelashes or dandelion seeds you blow, no matter how much of your heart you tear out and slap on your sleeve, it just ain't gonna happen."

Melissa Jensen, The Fine Art of Truth or Dare

The Simple Joy...

... Of an old-school peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yum. You know, most people would think that living month to month and having a ridiculously small amount of groceries would be a horrible, life altering experience... But it's not so bad. It really does make you appreciate the simple things a little more. I mean, really, there's A LOT you can do with eggs, and bread is a staple for a reason. lol Not sure why, but that sandwich was so deliciously nostalgic that I felt the need to write about it.

'Course, that might be partially due to the fact that I'm pretty bored at the moment. I lack the motivation to do knitting, and I just finished a coloring page... And my hand is cramped. I really need to learn to relax when I do these things, I'm gonna give myself carpel tunnel. >.< Anyway, enough complaining!

It's only about quarter to one, so not much has happened... And it's Bay City, so not much is going to. lol Today might be one of those multiple posts/entries days. I'm bored, but I clearly don't have enough information to give an interesting entry. So I guess I'll just do several useless, pointless, fluffy posts!

Why is the word fluffy so much fun to look at? It's fun to say too... Like gerbil. And ninja. lol WOW. >.> If I weren't barricaded in the relatively cool paradise that is my room, I would probably be getting some really weird looks from my mom... Actually, I take that back- she's sleeping. My ipod is bipolar when I put it on shuffle. We have gone from Peter Kater to Cradle of Filth to Enya to Lamb of God... Then Symphony X and now Deathstars... See, I wasn't kidding when I said I liked just about any kind of music. lol

This post is so tiny compared to yesterday! Then again, I'm not attempting to recap almost an entire year, so... Meh! If only my life was interesting! In a good way. My life has already been interesting in a bad way- perhaps I should be more thankful for the lack of activity.

It's still super hot out... And humid. I heard it was supposed to get up to 100 on Friday. -.- I SERIOUSLY hope that changes. And I hope Saturday is mild too, since that's the day we'll be having our Fourth of July cookout. YAY FIREWORKS! lol Like I said last year- anything that involves a half ton of explosives is okay by me! Oh well, even if it is really hot on  Saturday, we'll be down by the river, so that should help a little. ^^

Okay, my hand is feeling better now, maybe I'll color another picture. On a coloring pages kick lately, it's relaxing, and distracts me from my thoughts... Sometimes. Any leads on that wretched cherub yet? lol What a pain.

Ciao!

Lynx

"There's nothing like unrequited love to take all the flavor out of a peanut butter sandwich."

-Charlie Brown

(Oh, COME ON! >.< That's not even remotely funny!)

"Man cannot live by bread alone; He must have peanut butter."

-James A. Garfield                                       

(That's better. I LIKE this guy! ^^)