I'm Beginning to Think I Have a Problem Here...

I've been copying quotations for the past two days. Like, ALL day. lol Well, I shouldn't say all day- I did go out and cut the grass. Even let mom do a bit of it. (Granted, I had to run after her and remind her to put the blades down.) *sigh* I don't think it's possible for me to be more bored. Normally I wouldn't mind, the silence is a good place to think, but...

My mind keeps wandering. Back to that place I want to stay far away from. I can tell myself I'm really happy with how things are right now, but not without feeling my heart tear a little. Still, I want to do what's right, not what suits my wishes. It's not fair to anyone to be that selfish, so I'll just try to suffer quietly. It's easier to fake smiles now- I've had lots of time to practice. And who knows- maybe this will pass over and everything really will go back to how it was before...

Yet another part of me is stubborn enough to think that I could wait a hundred years and still not be fatigued. This is new. Of course, even BELIEVING in love is new for me. I always thought it was just some useless ideal- I underestimated it's strength. And the pain that it brings. I never thought it possible for a single person to twist a heart so painfully without even trying. And yet this pain is sweeter somehow, to the point where I almost don't mind it. It is a gentle sort of suffering, with your mind and your heart screaming out at you to try harder, even when you know you don't have a chance.

Life has always had a way of testing me. Will this be the test I finally fail? And where is that line between success and failure? The lines have blurred, and right now I feel pretty content to merely hover within the shades of grey between black and white. Between success and failure- Hope. Wishing. Dreaming. I'll wake up eventually, but on what side I'm not sure. And I don't want to dare to speculate. To be honest, I want nothing more to do with this. But it's much harder to fall out of love than it is to fall into it. Once it gets a hold of you, you have to really fight your way back out... But there's always a part of you that doesn't want to fight. A part that would rather give into the fire and be dragged further and further down, where reality doesn't sting quite so much.

But you have to wake up sometime. Dreams die all the time, wishes often go unfulfilled, and hope is merely something that dangles before the desperate... So why am I so afraid? Why do I feel my heart cracking with every false, "it's fine. I'm fine. Everything's good..."? And why do I feel the need to reprimand myself for feeling this way? I'm torn between the wish for his happiness and the want for mine, but we all know what will win in the end. It's probably the only redeeming quality I have, this fierce loyalty to my friends and their comfort. I would rather die than cause I friend pain or fear, and so that's what I'll do.

Sweetly. Gently. Quietly. Until the storm passes and I wake up from this strange mix of dream and nightmare...
It really sucks, falling in love with your best friend.

Ciao,

Lynx

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

-Elizabeth Gilbert       

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

-Paulo Coelho 

"Some people care too much. I think it's called love."

-A.A. Milne                                                                 

"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion."

-Gordon B. Hinckley