Needless to say, absolutely NOTHING happened today. I've had a grand total of one conversation with my mother, lasting maybe thirty seconds. It's a little stressful, to be honest, but it's better than being screamed at for existing, right? *sigh* My friends, what few I have, picked a pretty inconvenient time to all get busy, but hey... C'est la vie. Still got Bear- so I'm never really alone, anyway. I feel like I need to do something constructive, but the pain in my limbs and extremities are making me hesitate. :( I already hurt mentally and emotionally, do I really HAVE to hurt physically too?
What a crappy kinda day. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I can keep trying again and again as long as this spit of land keeps turning and I see that star every morning. It's a corny thing to say, I know, but it's true. Each day is another chance to heal, to try and find that smile I was wearing about a week ago... That was nice, you know? I was smiling. REALLY smiling. Not the weak, fake thing I'd been wearing for the better part of my life, but a real, genuine smile... Where did that go? Now I'm trying not to make any conscious expression at all- my lips are raw from all the biting I've been subjecting them to. Nervous habit and all...
You know, someone said something to me on the other blog: if you can't be honest on your own blog, then the whole world's gone pretty much to hell... Or something along those lines.
Well, anonymous reader, the world's pretty much gone to hell. I keep saying how I'm going to be optimistic and try for a better tomorrow... I'm not optimistic at all. I don't even want to SEE tomorrow, I'd rather be lost tonight and not wake up. How could anyone be optimistic about this? And why, WHY am I always going through these things alone? I just talked to some people not that long ago- where are they now, when I actually need them?
Yeah. I said it. I need people. Not a lot, just a few. Otherwise, I'll drown in this. I need someone to remind me that I'm not alone, that there are some people who support me... Goodness knows I've been through too much to be able to do this alone anymore... I have this bad habit of saying I can handle things on my own. So much so that people think I'm strong.
I'm not. Not at all. I'm small and weak and fragile and so DAMN lonely... I don't usually mind the silence, it's always been a comforting thing. Now it's just cold. My music is cold. I don't want to listen. I don't want to sing. So I've been staring out my window... At weeds. I think I memorized every detail, and still I stare. I don't really see them. I don't see anything, now that I think on it. It's to the point where I just recognize them as points of light and color, the slightest of movement... And then I'm gone.
I don't know where I go, but I'm definitely not here. It's spacing out on an extreme level. And when I come back, I don't remember anything that I could have thought about. Blank slate. That stings a bit. I've not lost coherent thought- I've lost ALL thought. But I never feel good about it. I just hurt more. Things are going downhill fast, now, and this looks like it's going to be one hell of a big hill...
Ciao,
Lynx
"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding onto."
-Unknown
"I am dying: It is a beautiful word. Like the long, slow sigh of the cello: dying. But the sound of it is the only thing beautiful about it."
-Sonya Hartnett
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